lots to say, but not a lot of energy to say it

Dear friends,

Thank you so very much for all your love and support, couldn't do this without all of you.  I have a small favor to ask.   My dear friend Paula is participating in www.stbaldricks.org she will be shaving her head in my honor as well as all cancer fighters to raise money for cancer research.  It's a wonderful cause, and well, I especially want her to reach her goal and hopefully double it.  Paula is a wonderful friend and I am so overwhelmed she is doing this for me.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help....only takes a few minutes to donate!  Her name is Paula Salazar, just click on the link above.
My 10 days of no chemo comes to an end tomorrow, I basically slept more than 1/2 of the time.  I am so not looking forward to starting it back up again, but I'll make it.  Oh how I do not look forward to that burning pain.....I tell myself the worse I feel, the better it is working....
Love you all so much, will write more later, so tired right now.

xoxoxoxo
Rach

Chemo-Day 5 *Where's My Miracle?*

So I have survived 1/2 of my first round. Barely. I can't keep my eyes open, sooooo tired, my body hates me, and well, MY BODY FUCKING HATES ME. I can't really describe the feeling.  Pain all over my insides.  Like a burning pain.  I have perfected the puke-technique.  I am a pro-puker, to say the least.  I feel it coming, manage to make it to the porcelain god, and not leave any trace of my existence.  *Yay Me* I have no appetite and what I do eat comes right back up.  So you would think that I would be looking Paris-Hilton-ish by now. Wrong.  I have the steroids to thank for leaving my face Tom-Arnold-ish.
Wa Waaaa Wa.  What a crybaby I have become. Complainer. Bitcher. Annoyer. Ect'er
On the good side, I am alive.  Alive and well. Okay maybe not the well part, but I am alive.  That is all that matters at this point. for the next 55 days, my life will be like this, so I better get used to it.
I just want to live. I just want to be a mom to my kids. I just want to be healthy again, someday.  All those things I used to take for granite, I will cherish them for the rest of my life.
So far I still have the purple locks.  My hair is still here.  I know that won't be for long.  Chances of me not losing it are slim to none.  I am okay with this.  I think.  The only thing I worry about is my children looking at me and seeing a "sick" mommy.  The bald head would be a sure indicator of a "sick" mommy.  I can put on a happy face now, somewhat....but the baldness is a tale-tale sign of the C-word.
FUCK I HATE THIS!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR. AT ALL.
My aunt told me this morning: Rach, God owes our family a miracle, and I am asking him for one now.  It's time our family gets some good news.
This made me cry.  Our family HAS been through so many tragedies, I don't want to be another one of them.  I want to live. I want this miracle.  Call me selfish, but I do.

Purple-ish locks and still smiling

Well, I did it. It's all about the purple!
After being diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma and coming to grips with the whole "I HAVE CANCER"thing, I've decided I have two choices. To either 'poor poor pitiful me' my way through or have a 'kick-ass' attitude and kick-ass my way through.  So what better way to start than a punk-ish-rock-ish like hair style.  I almost chose blue because I am a blue-blooded-progressive to the max, but I decided to go with purple for a couple of reasons.  Purple is the color for #LupusAwareness as well as #CancerAwareness.  Seeing as I have both, purple was the obvious choice =)  The girls and I had a great time today at the salon.  Caitlyn got one purple streak added to her hair to support me.  She looks rather kick-ass if I do say so myself.  Brooke's school won't allow purple, otherwise she would be sporting some fun too.  It's only hair, so why not?  I actually wasn't so sad about the losing the hair thing, for some reason it wasn't bothering me....but now that I have these purple luscious locks, I'm going to be sad to see them go. <tear>
Next step: Sarcoma oncologist this week and the beginning of my first round of chemo.  So kick-ass is in full effect, ready to KICK.THIS.IN.THE.ASS!!

BLUE HAIR!!

Well, seems I can't really have a week go by without something coming up.  I remember when I used to have such a simple life....no worries....everyone healthy....happy.....yada fucking yada. Seems like forever ago.
So one week after my home was burglarized I started having this sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Wait.....let me back up...  About a month or so ago, I noticed a small lump in that area...told myself it must be a fat pocket or something. Didn't think twice about it..a couple of weeks later I noticed it kind of bothered me when I would wear jeans...again, told myself it was nothing...told myself I was not about to go to the doctor so they could find something else wrong with me....it's a fat pocket Rachel, its a fat pocket.
Fast forward....sharp stabbing pain...got out of the truck and felt like something was ripping on the inside...ugh. This can't be happening...Can I please just not have this be happening to me is what I was thinking.
It was happening...I texted Robert and said "you're gonna be pissed (he was coming home from work I think). He says why? I said...I think ima have to make a trip to the ER. Whatttttttttt he says? Yup. Pain is not getting any better, only worse.
So long story short, I get to the ER, they scanned it, and sure enough it was something.  ER doc says she thought it might be a hernia but was consulting with the surgeon. So they fill me up with pain meds (the good kind...i was in la la la land) because it was REALLY hurting me at this time....the next thing I know I am headed to surgery.  Turns out I had a "mass" in my abdomen that was causing my hernia....So they removed the mass, fixed the hernia, and left me with a 7 inch scar.  My surgeon was awesome in every way except for the fact he refused my under the table offer in exchange for a tummy-tuck.  I mean hell, he was ALREADY going to be down there, why not???
Fast forward again....Wound got infected...Lupus is a bitch. It always gets in the way....refuses to let me heal the way I need to.  More antibiotics and infection is getting better.
So...I return to the doc for my checkup and he says we need to review the pathology reports. Huh? Why? Pathology....no. no. no.
Yes. Yes. Yes. That "mass" was a malignant tumor. No shit. NO FUCKING SHIT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Good news: He removed the entire tumor and took biopsies of the tissue surrounding it.  The tumor was malignant, the tissue around it was not. YAY ME.....
Not so fast. So now I have to see an oncologist and get scanned from head to toe to see if I have any of these fucking bastard tumors floating around anywhere else. The oncologist will determine if chemo/radiation will be needed.

So. I have decided that I will kick this thing in the ass. Whatever this thing is, it will be kicked in the ass. If by chance I have to lose my hair in the process, I will be sporting punk rock electric blue locks before it falls out. That's right bitches, I'm going for the blue......

I will WILL WILL be okay. I know this. It is not an option. #thinkingpositive #notgoinganywhereanytimesoon

So here I go again....down a little winding road that will make me stronger just like the last 2435734892745 winding roads I have went down.

I wonder if that oncologist will do a tummy tuck under the table.....

SPCA

I got a phone call today from an investigator at the local SPCA regarding my complaint to them about the puppy mill....He wanted to thank me for everything I sent him, said it is making his job much easier....He kind of laughed and I laughed then he said "no, I am being serious."  No one has ever presented this much evidence against someone, we usually have to dig and find it."  The envelope I sent him cost $7 and some change, so yeh, there was a lot in there....lol
So I told him once I got started and realized she indeed was a part of a puppy mill, I couldn't just let it go.  Thats not me.  Puppy mills unfortunately are all over the place, and in the state of Texas our laws SUCK.  So I am teaming up with a friend and we are going to do everything we can to get those laws changed.  
Yeh, I know...like I have time for this.  Well, I will make time.  Seeing Ella suffer like that really hit me hard.  So...it might take a while and it might not even happen, but I sure will try.
Back to the phone call I received...the investigator also said that she(puppy mill bitch) is more than likely a "runner" for the actual puppy mill and he wants the entire mill shut down. And then he thanked me again. And again. And well....that just made my day. Not sure why, but it made me feel good.
#PuppyPower #RIPElla

This can't be happening....

So as my mom, my dear sweet mom, is recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, she has been undergoing some test.  First, her potassium came back low, really low. That kind of alarmed me. Then last night when I was visiting they told her an endrocrinologist would be coming in at a later time. Alarm number two for me. So on my way home, my brain went into overdrive and I couldn't stop using what I've learned in nursing school to try to figure out what in the hell could be going on. Then it clicked....something is wrong with her endocrine system.  Your endocrine system is basically all your glands in your body...your thyroid, adrenal, and pituitary. The adrenal gland in particular can cause your epinephrine and norepinephrine to be out of whack, as well as other hormones. It can also throw your potassium off. An increase in epi can obviously cause problems such as heart attacks.
Last night, I told my husband I think my mom has a tumor. No shit. I told him that.
Today my mom calls me and says this (in a tone like its no big deal, cause that is just how she is) Well, they found a tumor on my adrenal gland and they are going to call in an oncologist.
WTFuckingFUCK mom? NO WAY! She says yes way. I say no way. She again says yes way.

So that is the update. My uncle told me to think positive. Yes, adrenal cancer is rare, but my mother is already showing signs. I am in shock. Don't really know what to think or say. It is really hard for me to think positive with all that has happened. All I know is I can't lose my mom. Not now. Not like this. NOT FUCKING NOW!
So that's it. All I can say is wow. wow. wow. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Thanks for all of your kindness and support, I can't say it enough. I love you all, mucho galore! I'm just a little numb.....
Rach

Broken Heart

I've heard the saying before "he/she died from a broken heart". I always knew it could happen.  But to see it almost happen with my own eyes was....well, I don't have words for it.  My dad has been gone for 1 month and 15 days. In my opinion, mom still has yet to grieve.  She has been so strong, too strong.  Trying to hold the family together.  Trying to do too much. Still hasn't grasped the concept that her husband of almost 21 years is gone. It hasn't set in.  I can't imagine going home to an empty house that you shared with someone for that long.  Last summer (2009), she and dad were talking about getting ready to retire, buying a small cottage house around the lake and just enjoying their lives.  They both lived very modest. But they loved life. Loved to live.  Loved camping and spending time with each other.  She had told me that summer something along these lines:  Rachel, I am so in love with my husband, I am so happy with my life, but I have the biggest fear and a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.  I told her she was being silly and that the only thing that was going to happen would be they would be able to enjoy each other without having to work. And of course, that lake house would be a get away for us and to expect us up there every weekend.  She still said....no, I just think something bad is going to happen.  I told her she was crazy and shouldn't be so negative.
Three months later my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. 
I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or to say she's had it rough.  I promise I am not.  But I just don't get it. I don't get why it had to happen at all, but why now? Why couldn't they have got a little time to live their dream? My mom and dad had the best relationship ever.  RARELY argued, were so affectionate. Hell, they still held hands when they went everywhere.  Yes, they were that older couple who would hold hands walking into the grocery store or when they took walks together.  So cute, so sweet, so much in love.
This is why I think my mothers heart finally broke down.  She IS a strong woman.  They strongest I know. But sometimes, being strong is a bad thing.  You have to let it out, you have to cry...scream...and cry some more.  I realize I probably do enough those things for both of us, but that doesn't really count. 
Mom is going to be okay.  THANK GOD.  Do you know she wasn't even going to let me take her to the emergency room???  She said just let me lay down and I'll be fine.  FUCK THAT MOM. If you lay down, you might not ever get up.  She said "That would be fine too".  I said fine for you, but not fine for us.  Now get your ass off that couch or else I'll kick your ass off that couch and all the way to the emergency room if I have to.  FOR GODS SAKE mom, I am a nurse. Give me a little bit of credit, this is not good.  SOMETHING IS WRONG.  
So, she finally listened.  I told her Mom, Dad would be pissed. Right now, he would be saying "SABRINA, stop being so bull-headed and go". That got a chuckle from her and said you are so right, let me get my purse.
So off we went....(thank you dad, you helped me get her there).
I feel so numb....so...just here...nothing I can do but love her and I do a lot of that.  I can't lose her. Now that she is stable I am feeling some better.  But she SCARED THE SCARE outta me! Of course I tried not to show it, but I have been a basket case on the inside...(whats new, huh).
I know I always say I am going to do this or do that....but THIS is what I am going to do: My mom and I will get healthy this new year.  For us and for my kids and for our families....It is NOT an option.  I WILL be focusing on my family, our health, my mom, and my children.  I WILL help my son in any and every way possibly.  And...I will be happy.  I am so grateful for the wonderful things in my life and all the MANY blessings I have.  My friends and family have been so supportive, loving, just UNBELIEVABLY amazing to me...Tonya, Jenn, Autumn, Melissa, Erica, Rachel, my Twitter friends, ALL of my friends.  Just unbelievably supportive and caring.  I can't thank them enough.  My brother and I have became close again, and I thank God for that.  Despite his crazy political views, he is a great guy and I love him to pieces.  Because of him and my dad, I have found a new church that I feel so at home at.  It's non-denominational, just a plain Christian church.  I actually enjoy going to the service and am sorry I missed it today.  I walk in there and out of there feeling like a new person.  So refreshed.  I hadn't felt that way in a Catholic church in years.  This church has helped me in so many ways and I haven't even been going that long.  I look forward to getting involved and getting my relationship back with God. (no worries my progressive friends...I am still me after all, you can't take that BLUE blood outta me) I love you all, all of you.
So with this, I will end...but its not the end of me.  I am trying so hard to remain positive, and with all my heart I want to be a better me. The good thing is my latest blood work came back and for some odd reason, my lupus hasn't flared up.  A blessing from God and I can't help but think my daddy has something to do with it.  He and my brother and Gramps and Granny Fielder are watching over us, helping us through this.
Thank you all for reading my blog (rants, whines, gripes, bitching). Thanks so much for everything! I <3 you all!