Life without Ovaries

Surgery was successful! YA!!  My doctor was initially going in to remove my uterus and tubes, but once inside there realized the ovaries were a no-go.  Had to come out.  They were covered in growths and cyst and had to be removed.  Let's just say I miss them already.  I have had about a dozen hot-flashes that are complete with the weirdest feeling in the world.  I can be perfectly fine temperature wise and next thing I know, I am covered in sweat, mostly my head and fast.  Just as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on top of my head. NICE......not really.
Doc put me on estrogen and is more than likely going to have to increase the dosage.  I am not ready for menopause, but here I go anyway......
The plus side?  I am alive and going to be great!  All the crap that didn't belong in me is all out.  Thankfully, there is that!  My kids, family, and friends have been the best!  Everyone has been so helpful!  THank you to all of you, you know who you are.  Extra special thanks to my bff/sis Tonya who has taken 3 weeks out of her life to help me recover.  She has been awesome!  Thanks to my friend Chuck who took us out the other night before surgery and celebrated life with us.  We had a great time!
Life is sore, but life is great!  After I am all better, I will be looking for a job.  Yup, I said it. A JOB!!! I can NOT wait to get back to work, looking forward to it in a huge way!
Thank you to all my family and friends who have given me so much support and love throughout this entire ordeal.  I love you all, all of you!
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Overload!

So much going on, brain is on overload!  Been down lately, not that any of you know because I don't really like to talk about it.  I can hide things real well, which is probably not a good thing.  I have had several little breakdowns, just an overwhelming feeling comes all over me.  I am certainly not blaming my son, but his terror fits trigger my walking near the edge of a cliff.  I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to fix him.  With my girls, when they cried, I fixed it.  When they threw a fit, I handled it,  with my son, everything is so different......it seems I can never fix it.
okay.....enough of that.  I am calling my doc tomorrow to get ME fixed.  Depression is a bitch, and this bitch can't deal with it anymore.  There has got to be something out there that can help me before I check myself in.....not literally, well.....maybe =)
I just want my old life back.  Before it became so overwhelming with life's problems.  I admit, I can create problems of my own and I do that a lot.....but it has got to end.  The madness in our life has got to come to a stop (quick).
This week I am taking the kids to Moody Gardens, should be lots of fun or it might be a total nightmare. All depends on how Clayton reacts to the environment, it might be way too much for him.  But we are going to at least try.
In one week my bff will be back in town to help me with my surgery next week.  I can't tell you how bad I need to see her and just can't wait until she gets here!
Gotta get for now....................
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Bucket List #1=CHECK NKOTB SCORE!!

Where do I start?  I was a blockhead way back in the day......and once a blockhead, ALWAYS a blockhead.  My room was covered with NKOTB pix, I had the sheets, the pillows, the CD'S, ect ect....I had it all.....saw every concert......let's just say I was a HUGE NKOTB fan.  I was a Danny girl with a splash of Donnie on the side.
So......I found out on June 25th, dreams do come true!  My girlfriends Autumn and Melissa paid my way to 4th row of their concert.  It was A-FUCKING-MAZING!!!! Our friend Vicky from Toronto knows Donnie (very well)....she texted him and told him my story.  But sadly, no response.  She texted him 4 times, no response.  I was okay with this because I was just happy to be out with my friends and excited to see them in concert.
After the concert we decided to drive around and wait at their tour bus area.  Then we spotted Johnny......Donnie's assistant.  Johnny was riding around on Donnie's scooter.  Too cute.  So I said what the hell, I only live once, and decided I was going to talk to Johnny and see what was up.  Luckily, Johnny is super cool and stopped to talk to me.  I told him about Vicky and he knew exactly who she was.  He told me he was on his way to talk to Donnie, to hold tight.  Johnny said when I see Donnie's silver tour bus pull out, to not make a scene and walk over to it.  That is just what I did.  Johnny hopped out, saw me, asked me to give him a second and walked back in the tour bus.  My knee's started shaking.  I was thinking, is this really happening??? IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING???

Well.....it really happened.....Johnny opens up the bus door and said come on in Rachel. So with my knee's trembling, I climb up the stairs.  There they were, both Donnie and Danny. SAYYYYYYYYYY WHHHHHHHHHHHAT????? Both of my men were standing right before my eyes.  I said hey guys, Donnie grabbed me, hugged me, and said "YOU ARE GOING TO BEAT THIS"  I said FUCK YES I AM!!!! He said You kick that cancer's ass Rachel... I told him funny you should say that, bc that is exactly what I say on Twitter all the time #kickingcancersass.

So I set down, played with his dog, chatted a while, and well, my dream came true!!!  We took pix, gave hugs, then he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast, so off to the waffle house we went!  

That is really all I can say......we exchanged info and numbers and I think I am somewhere still lost in the clouds.  It was one of the best nights of my life!

Missing my Dad

No matter what I did, he always understood me.  He would be my support for anything.  As I go down this journey in my life, I miss him most.  I can't imagine what he would have said or did.....but I just know I miss him.

Today my mom called and I could tell she had been crying.  I asked what was going on and she said she came across Dad's journal....the one he kept from the time he was diagnosed until the time he had his brain surgery and  couldn't write anymore.  There were not too many entries, but my name was mentioned most. I asked her if I could read it.  She said certainly and then told me Dad would want me to have it.  Needless to say, I hauled butt to my moms house to retrieve it.
When I got in my car, "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy was playing.  What a PERFECT song to hear.  I cried all the way to mom's listening to it.  http://youtube/qWuBS1HmI3M
I got to Mom's and we hugged for a long period.  Then she gave me the journal.  I sat down and read it, crying the entire time.  He often referred to me as "Rachel, the ever so faithful Rachel".  I tried to be.  I wanted to be.  I wanted to be by his side every second as he battled that demon of glioblastoma.  I am glad he felt I was.  It makes my heart smile.  I know he would be right beside me as I battle this demon.  I know he is on my shoulder lifting me up as I slowly recover from what the devil tried to take of me.  I know I will be back to myself again and healthy.  For my dad and everyone else.
I love you Dad, this recovery is for  my family, my friends, and YOU!

Update: Life, Love, Family, Friends, KickingCancersAss

So much has happened within the past week, I thought it was time for an update. On Tuesday, I was told by my doctor to visit the nearest ER, and do it fast.  I was having a lot of pain and in my lower abdomen and bleeding.  So my mother took me to the nearest emergency room (that my insurance approved) and off we went.....
They did an ultrasound and said everything looked okay, to follow up with my gynecologist.  I knew I wasn't "okay".  I know my body, and just knew something was not right.  I immediately asked for a copy of the ultrasound report and a copy of my labs.  You would have thought I was asking for President Obama's birth certificate.  The nurse looked at me like I was crazy, but finally, she complied.
Walking slowly to the car I said to my mom: "WHAT THE HELL"  "THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THESE LABS OR THE ULTRASOUND REPORT!!!"  I am not kidding, nearly 1/2 of the labs were "abnormal" and the ultrasound reported I had multiple growths on both of my ovaries and as well as my uterus.  I get into the car, it was about 4:45pm, called my gyno, spoke to the nurse and she was speechless.  She said my doctor was in surgery the following day, but made me an appointment for Thursday.
So I was there at 9am and she examined me, did another ultrasound, then took a biopsy of my endometrium, and shook her head at the reports I showed her.  She said "you are a mess inside your abdomen", we need to take care of this soon.  She recommended a total hysterectomy, but hated to take away both of my ovaries because it would immediately throw me into menopause.  I said if it means getting rid of this pain, and possibly saving my life, I am for it.  She said that was the best decision.  I can take hormones to make up for the lost ovaries.  
This can be one of two things, because the malignant tumor that was removed back in January was close to this area, it might have spread.  OR, it can be not related at all, and I could just be having "female issues".  Regardless, the growths were present and need to be removed.
I am not going to pretend I am not scared, because I am very scared.  It is yet, another major surgery and setback.  Recovery time for this is 6 weeks.  Yay me. NOT. NOT. NOT.  But each day my spirits are picking back up.  I am so thankful that I had my children at a young age and I just can't say enough how grateful I am for all three of them.  They are my life, and I just want to be here for them, as long as possible.....to see my grandchildren would be even better.
The earliest the surgery can be performed is July 13th.  Sounds far away, but not really.  My mom will be here for the day of the surgery, but she had a planned trip to Las Vegas, that she "can't" cancel.  Thankfully, I have my mother in law that will help out with the kiddo's and I have my amazing friend Tonya who is putting her life on hold to come fly out for 2-3 weeks to help me out.  I couldn't do this without Tonya being here or the support she has given me.  It has filled my heart and given me strength I didn't know I had.  I have so many friend who have helped me....Autumn, Mary, Becky, Melissa, Jennifer, Robin, Paula, Dan, Alice, and the list goes on, especially with my awesome Twitter family who is daily supporting and encouraging me.  I seriously, would not have the strength and positive attitude that I do, without these folks.  All are AMAZING!!!
So that is the latest update.  Still taking my meds and I believe I am going to get this once and for all.  I will come out stronger and a more appreciative person because of all of this.  I will be fine.  I know this.  There is no other option, but to be healthy again.  To be able to be the mom I used to be and be there for my kids in ways that I can't right now.  I want that more than anything.  I just want to be strong again.  I just want to live.  Enjoy life and my family.  And to love.....all of you!  In which I do!
Thank you all, so much for the continued love, support, and prayers!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Update on meh life

So much going on, so much to say.


First....I love all of you, all of my friends and family that have stuck by my side and continue to support me, my heart is filled because of you.
I have been on my chemo for one full week now.  The first few days were not so bad, today I just took my chemo so I have about an hour le-way to write you this.  I start getting extremely dizzy and nauseate.  Sleep is my best friend!  
To change the subject.....we had our home burglarized in January and recovered from it.  Well, yesterday morning my 12 yr old was going out getting ready to go to school (her best friends mom takes her every day) and she noticed her daddy's window broken out in his truck.  Awful.  I wish she didn't have to see that.  The feeling of not being safe in your own home is the worst feeling.  I hate that she had to see that.  We are coping.  We found out that over a dozen vehicles were in in our neighborhood.  Sad little thugs can't get a job so they steal from hard-working Americans.....So sadly we are moving forward and extra security at the house, once again.


Thank you again friends!  I have five more weeks of hell, but I am looking forward to whipping this thing in the ass more than ever!  I am strong and not giving up!
Love you, will write later!


xoxoxoxo
Rach

New Week, New Plan

So as this week begins I am having a slight amount of anxiety for what is ahead of me.  Chemo, more chemo. If I said I was surprised, I would be lying.  I had a feeling.  My leg has been giving me some pain and I wake up frequently with charlie-horses at night.  I just had a feeling my leg lesions had grown.  Sure enough, they have.
So I will be on a new chemo regimen that is considered a trial because it is used to primarily treat leukemia patients and is new (kind of) to treat leiomyosarcoma patients.  Very strong drug with just about every side effect imaginable.  I am okay with this, I have come to terms with it.  I will take chemo every day of my life, if it means being here to be a mother to my children.  I will not let go.  Not now, I am just not ready.  Is that selfish? Some say it is, but that doesn't bother me anymore.  People can say whatever they want to say, but until they have been in my shoes, they need to keep the negative to themselves.  I have been surrounding myself with all things good.  No time for people who bring me down, even if not intentionally.  You would not believe the comments I have heard lately....Here are a couple of examples:

"With your medical condition, you might not do that, you don't know if you will be here this time next year."
"Well, the statistics aren't good, I am just trying to be realistic."
"You probably won't be here next year, so we need to do it sooner rather than later"

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I AM DYING?

I mean SERIOUSLY!!! WTF!!!! I refuse to live my life as if I am dying.  I live my life for each day and I consider myself blessed to be here and have the amazing life I have.  I will not look into my future and see nothing.  I will continue to look into my future and see my children graduate high school, then college, then get married, or whatever it is they want to do.  I see myself as a nurse again, helping people.  I see myself happily married and enjoying every second with my soul mate.  I see myself LIVING!!!!!
So....here is the deal....if this is not what YOU see me doing, then keep your mouth shut.  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to feel it.  I want no part of it.
I have been hurt by some close family members over this "cancer-thing".  I guess maybe I expect too much....like a phone call once a week or even a text "hey, how ya doing" kind of thing.  I must be expecting too much or they just don't give a shit.  One or the other, it's whatever.  I certainly don't expect people to be calling me and checking on me everyday, but I know if it were my close family member, I would be supportive and encouraging...but that is just me...
Anyhow, I can't control others.....I can't make sense of it all.  So I will just continue to live.....life to the FULLEST!!!!!
Might I suggest something to my fabulous readers....use me as an example, use me as an excuse.  An example of how life can take a turn in a matter of minutes....as an excuse to do all the things you dream of doing, an excuse to be all it is who you are.  Dig deep....find your spirit.....find out who you REALLY are, and be that person.  From now until eternity.  Don't waste another moment feeling sorry for yourself or making excuses for why you aren't who you want to be.  OWN YOURSELF.  BE THAT PERSON YOU SEE IN YOUR FUTURE, NOW!!!!!
Don't ever take another second for granted.  I can't tell you how much time I want to spend with my family.  There aren't enough hours in the day for me to spend with them.  I have been having crying spells in which I need time alone to work through.  Then I have a sense of guilt because I could have been using that time to spend with my girls or playing with Clayton.  Just last night Caitlyn asked if she could ride with me to pick up Brooke from a birthday party, I said no babe, I'll be right back.  I had planned that car ride to get Brooke for a "let it all out and crying spell".  Then I found myself crying because I didn't let Caitlyn go.  That was 20 more minutes I could have spent with her.  I am so confused.  I enjoy my "alone" time, the minimum amount I get....I use it to think, listen to music, plan my future and sometimes just cry.  I don't want my kids to see me vulnerable or weak.  I want them to know that I am a fighter and this is not going to get me down.  Maybe that is wrong, maybe they should see my emotions....I'm not sure, this is all so new to me.  We will work through it.  We always do.  What I do know is this:  I will do anything and everything to make it out of this and I will be a changed person.  I already am.
Thank you for the love, support, and faith.  I need them all so very much!
xoxoxoxo

Rach



xoxoxoxo
Rach