To write or To not write?

I went to lunch with a friend today.....we have known each other for about 12 years.  She suggested I write a book.  She is not the first person to throw this idea at me.  I asked now why would I write a book?  She said Rachel, your life has been a mixture of ups and downs, twist and turns, and you are a great writer.  She is write about the first part, I don't know about the second.  We started talking about all the obstacles I have had and what I have overcome in the past several years.  Things I won't talk about here, but just know I have had my share of troubles....things people thought I would never conquer, I have managed to come out okay.  I have joked about writing a book before but here lately I have thought about it more seriously.  So when she mentioned it today, it was kind of ironic.  So to write or not to write.  Where would I start?  What kind of book? I think I will start with jotting down some topics and narrow it down.  Did I just say that?  Why yes, yes I did.  If my life experiences could help some one it would be worth it.  Maybe it would be a self discovery thing for me.  
So that's it for me....deciding whether I should write or not.  Any suggestions?

Seriously??????

If someone would please explain why I am up at 2:30am I would be forever grateful.  I mean seriously, I love to sleep.  I want to sleep.  I want to BE ASLEEP.  Ever since I had this lovely hysterectomy and receive these lovely hot flashes, my sleep schedule is totally fucked up.  I HATE INSOMNIA and that is exactly what I have.  Yes I am a nurse, but I have no idea what is going on with my own body right now.  It is like a monster has taken over and kidnapped me.  My inner being has been abducted and I am left with this shell of a stranger.
There is only so much Big Brother After Dark I can watch.....there is only so much ID channel I can watch.....there is only so many sheep I can count or Twitter birds, or whatever....chirp chirp chirp
So I sit in my living room and watch George Lopez....and listen to the fish tank....and not sleep......
Someone just tweeted me and said I should play a game of reverse psychology with myself and tell myself I am going to stay up all night.
Honey, I have had my share of all nighters, I don't want any, anymore.  I want to sleep.........
I think I will write my cousin a letter.  Yes, this is what I shall do.  I will be productive while I am wide awake (still wanting to sleep).......These hormone replacement pills are a fucking joke.  S E R I O U S L Y.
Peace Out!
Rach

Week 1 *win*

Well, it's been a week and I have survived.  No one told me how much I would miss my little ole ovaries.  Kind of wish someone would have warned me.  Not trying to whine or complain, but I MISS MY FUCKING OVARIES!!!!  At 36 years old, hot flashes were not something I thought about.  But here they are, kicking my ass into wet pillow cases every night.  Seriously....people turn over their pillows in the middle of the night to get to the "cold" side, well, I turn mine over to get to the "dry" side. 
Shall we discuss the crying spells? Yes, let's talk about these.  Crying for no apparent reason happens frequently.  Me questioning my every decision happens dozens of times a day.  It gets pretty annoying, but I am managing it better as each day passes.  The other day I started crying because I thought *what if my daughters can't carry a baby, then I am not going to be able to carry it for them*
Now who the hell thinks of that?  A post-hysterectomy patient does.
---------THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR----------
My three beautiful children.  I am so thankful and blessed for them.  I started off early having my babies and everything happens for a reason.  So that's a plus, right? 
As I recover, slowly but surely, I am so thankful for my friends and specifically Tonya.  I couldn't do this without her.  She has totally taken over mommy duty with my children.  I can't drive so she takes them where they need or want to go and takes Clayton to his school everyday.  I don't know what I would do without her help.  She has been amazing.  Her presence just makes me feel better.
I am thankful for my life.  The good, the bad, the ugly.....I am thankful to be alive and well (almost).  I will never take another second for granted.  Will never take another friend or family member for granted.  I will enjoy my life, just the way it is =)
Thanks for being a blog reader!  Leave comments, me likey!

Life without Ovaries

Surgery was successful! YA!!  My doctor was initially going in to remove my uterus and tubes, but once inside there realized the ovaries were a no-go.  Had to come out.  They were covered in growths and cyst and had to be removed.  Let's just say I miss them already.  I have had about a dozen hot-flashes that are complete with the weirdest feeling in the world.  I can be perfectly fine temperature wise and next thing I know, I am covered in sweat, mostly my head and fast.  Just as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on top of my head. NICE......not really.
Doc put me on estrogen and is more than likely going to have to increase the dosage.  I am not ready for menopause, but here I go anyway......
The plus side?  I am alive and going to be great!  All the crap that didn't belong in me is all out.  Thankfully, there is that!  My kids, family, and friends have been the best!  Everyone has been so helpful!  THank you to all of you, you know who you are.  Extra special thanks to my bff/sis Tonya who has taken 3 weeks out of her life to help me recover.  She has been awesome!  Thanks to my friend Chuck who took us out the other night before surgery and celebrated life with us.  We had a great time!
Life is sore, but life is great!  After I am all better, I will be looking for a job.  Yup, I said it. A JOB!!! I can NOT wait to get back to work, looking forward to it in a huge way!
Thank you to all my family and friends who have given me so much support and love throughout this entire ordeal.  I love you all, all of you!
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Overload!

So much going on, brain is on overload!  Been down lately, not that any of you know because I don't really like to talk about it.  I can hide things real well, which is probably not a good thing.  I have had several little breakdowns, just an overwhelming feeling comes all over me.  I am certainly not blaming my son, but his terror fits trigger my walking near the edge of a cliff.  I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to fix him.  With my girls, when they cried, I fixed it.  When they threw a fit, I handled it,  with my son, everything is so different......it seems I can never fix it.
okay.....enough of that.  I am calling my doc tomorrow to get ME fixed.  Depression is a bitch, and this bitch can't deal with it anymore.  There has got to be something out there that can help me before I check myself in.....not literally, well.....maybe =)
I just want my old life back.  Before it became so overwhelming with life's problems.  I admit, I can create problems of my own and I do that a lot.....but it has got to end.  The madness in our life has got to come to a stop (quick).
This week I am taking the kids to Moody Gardens, should be lots of fun or it might be a total nightmare. All depends on how Clayton reacts to the environment, it might be way too much for him.  But we are going to at least try.
In one week my bff will be back in town to help me with my surgery next week.  I can't tell you how bad I need to see her and just can't wait until she gets here!
Gotta get for now....................
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Bucket List #1=CHECK NKOTB SCORE!!

Where do I start?  I was a blockhead way back in the day......and once a blockhead, ALWAYS a blockhead.  My room was covered with NKOTB pix, I had the sheets, the pillows, the CD'S, ect ect....I had it all.....saw every concert......let's just say I was a HUGE NKOTB fan.  I was a Danny girl with a splash of Donnie on the side.
So......I found out on June 25th, dreams do come true!  My girlfriends Autumn and Melissa paid my way to 4th row of their concert.  It was A-FUCKING-MAZING!!!! Our friend Vicky from Toronto knows Donnie (very well)....she texted him and told him my story.  But sadly, no response.  She texted him 4 times, no response.  I was okay with this because I was just happy to be out with my friends and excited to see them in concert.
After the concert we decided to drive around and wait at their tour bus area.  Then we spotted Johnny......Donnie's assistant.  Johnny was riding around on Donnie's scooter.  Too cute.  So I said what the hell, I only live once, and decided I was going to talk to Johnny and see what was up.  Luckily, Johnny is super cool and stopped to talk to me.  I told him about Vicky and he knew exactly who she was.  He told me he was on his way to talk to Donnie, to hold tight.  Johnny said when I see Donnie's silver tour bus pull out, to not make a scene and walk over to it.  That is just what I did.  Johnny hopped out, saw me, asked me to give him a second and walked back in the tour bus.  My knee's started shaking.  I was thinking, is this really happening??? IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING???

Well.....it really happened.....Johnny opens up the bus door and said come on in Rachel. So with my knee's trembling, I climb up the stairs.  There they were, both Donnie and Danny. SAYYYYYYYYYY WHHHHHHHHHHHAT????? Both of my men were standing right before my eyes.  I said hey guys, Donnie grabbed me, hugged me, and said "YOU ARE GOING TO BEAT THIS"  I said FUCK YES I AM!!!! He said You kick that cancer's ass Rachel... I told him funny you should say that, bc that is exactly what I say on Twitter all the time #kickingcancersass.

So I set down, played with his dog, chatted a while, and well, my dream came true!!!  We took pix, gave hugs, then he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast, so off to the waffle house we went!  

That is really all I can say......we exchanged info and numbers and I think I am somewhere still lost in the clouds.  It was one of the best nights of my life!

Missing my Dad

No matter what I did, he always understood me.  He would be my support for anything.  As I go down this journey in my life, I miss him most.  I can't imagine what he would have said or did.....but I just know I miss him.

Today my mom called and I could tell she had been crying.  I asked what was going on and she said she came across Dad's journal....the one he kept from the time he was diagnosed until the time he had his brain surgery and  couldn't write anymore.  There were not too many entries, but my name was mentioned most. I asked her if I could read it.  She said certainly and then told me Dad would want me to have it.  Needless to say, I hauled butt to my moms house to retrieve it.
When I got in my car, "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy was playing.  What a PERFECT song to hear.  I cried all the way to mom's listening to it.  http://youtube/qWuBS1HmI3M
I got to Mom's and we hugged for a long period.  Then she gave me the journal.  I sat down and read it, crying the entire time.  He often referred to me as "Rachel, the ever so faithful Rachel".  I tried to be.  I wanted to be.  I wanted to be by his side every second as he battled that demon of glioblastoma.  I am glad he felt I was.  It makes my heart smile.  I know he would be right beside me as I battle this demon.  I know he is on my shoulder lifting me up as I slowly recover from what the devil tried to take of me.  I know I will be back to myself again and healthy.  For my dad and everyone else.
I love you Dad, this recovery is for  my family, my friends, and YOU!