Who am I?

I haven't blogged in a while and thought I would sit down and see what happens.  So much has gone on, but tonight I am in a particularly rare mood.  Can't really explain it.  I make mistakes and I learn from them and that is something I am proud of....the learning part.  What I struggle with is forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.  Moving forward is hard for me.  So much weighs on my mind that I never talk about.  So many regrets and I am extremely hard on myself. I know I am not perfect and I will always make mistakes, after all, I am human.  The mistakes I make seem to effect the people I love the most directly.  People are able to forgive me, but I can't seem to forgive myself.  I am a deeply emotional person and I wish I weren't.
Even though I might be having a fabulous day on the outside, I am usually crying on the inside.  Not always, but too often.  I hate to call me a fake person because I am as real as real gets, but I just choose to hide my inner emotions and not let the world see.  My mind is constantly going.  I can't seem to stop it.  I think about what I did wrong last week, last month, last year, and so on.  Why is this?  Why can't I let things go?  Why am I so hard on myself? I hate hurting people and I know I have hurt people in my life.  All who I am deeply sorry to and they seem to forgive me, but I am unable to forgive myself and move on.  It's not healthy and it gives me a huge amount of anxiety.  The pressure I put on myself is ridiculous.
So how do I fix me?  It seems like I am able to fix other people, even inspire some.....but I can't fix myself.  Maybe I am not meant to be fixed, maybe just maybe, this is the way I am supposed to be.  Unfixable.  
I have been writing a memoir and I am hoping getting everything out will somehow be therapeutic for me....who knows.  Can't even tell you how many therapist I have seen and I end up faking my way to "all better now".  Not on purpose, but it just happens.
All I want in life is, of course, my children to be happy and healthy, and to someday be truly happy with myself.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life, I am just unhappy with myself.....if that makes any sense at all.
I feel like I have failed me.....with all my health issues.....with all my emotional baggage....with all my mistakes.....I feel as though I have failed my spirit.


Tomorrow is a new day....who knows?  Maybe I will figure me out.