3am

It's 3am and I am wide awake.  Possibly because I slept 90% of the day away, ya think? Yup, I think.  I guess I am still recovering from that chemo crap....my body is so confused and my brain, well, we won't even go there.  I had family members talking about me dying this week.  I heard it "through the grapevine".  No, really, I did.  Apparently statistically I am going to die.  Well, I say screw those statistics, because I am not going anywhere, ANY time soon.  I have way too much to live for, tons of fight in me, and well, WAY TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!

Look at just a few things that keep me going, every single second of every single day!

Me and my girls

My sweet boy Clayton

DEXTER!!!

Lookie at this OLD pic of Robert and me!

My point is.....I am alive today and that is what matters.  I promised myself I will live each day as if it is my last.  I plan on getting hit by a train before I let this cancer kill me. (did I just jinx myself) (note to self: stay away from trains)

I love my life.  I love my family. I love my friends.
Goodnight all,
Rach

#Don'tJudgeMe

So today was the day we celebrated my little wild-mans 3rd birthday.  I knew I wanted to keep it low key as he doesn't do so well with a large and loud atmosphere....his social skills are not near where they should be. #autism
So I invited my closest friends and about 20 or so family members.  We have a HUGE family, so 20 is nothing and I am sure I hurt some feelings over this, BUT.....I have to do what is best for Clayton.  After all, it was HIS birthday and today was about him! I decided that the weather man would just have to work with me here because i wanted it to be outside, with his new playground/swing-set and some water fun.
I went out and bought a cool hippo pool with a slide and then a smaller wading pool. The kiddos had SO much fun!
Since I have had this tumor removed and the doctor indicated it was more than likely part of the leiomyosarcoma, I have been a bit down.  Just thinking like any mother would all the what ifs. "what if I didn't see my daughter turn 16? What if I didn't see Clayton's 4th birthday, what if my middle child needs my like she always does to lean on, and I am not here."
So I made a decision to skip chemo Saturday night.  Yup. That is right.  I didn't take it.  If I HAD of taken it, I would have been stuck inside all day and not be able to enjoy my son and see him so happy, throwing up profusely, and it would have thrown me into a pitty party depression, which I refuse to let myself get there.  So I said fuck it. And skipped it.  So instead of Monday ending my treatments, it will now be Tuesday.
Before getting ready for the party, I decided it was time to liven up the place. IT'S SPRING! I WANT FLOWERS!  So I did it, and lots of them...the certainly don't look like a professional did them, but it was almost therapeutic in a a way....very relaxing.... Here are some photos of my back yard....The flowers are fresh and on SALE.... and the little stepping stones came from the $1 Store. Can you believe that? They were SO cute! I mean....it was obviously to me that I need a  Spring makeover on my flowerbeds. Just so obvious. I love working in my yard. LOVE the flowers, the humming birds, the every changing growth

' 

So there ya see.....I spent most of last evening doing my thang...my hobby I guess (when I have the time).  Since I have been sick, I haven't been able to do anything.  It is getting old and on my last friggin nerve actually.  That isn't saying i am giving up by any means....bc I will take chemo every day of my life if I have to,  for my children's sake.  THEY are who make me stronger, make me fight harder.  It made me so happy to be able to do it.  To liven up things for the party and make my backyard somewhat pretty again.

Then there is a but.....a big but....

All the guest kept saying wow, rachel looks good today compared to othere days.  Is her chemo over yet?  When someone asked my mom that, a big loud bell when off in her ear and I felt like I was 10 again.  Finally I said something like this.....Mom, as hard as I fight, and I do and will always fight like hell, you and I know both know that this cancer is hard to cure.  My little wild-man deserved a great party ( he has been through hell and back with all these autism doctors, lab work, new OT and ST thereapist, ect...ect.......I wanted him to have a GREAT day.  A great day would not have occured with mommy puking all day and laying in bed.  So Mom, I am almost 36 years old.  I know you say those things because you love me.  Well, I chose to not take chemo for one night because I love my kids.  This COULD be my last birthday party with one of them, and I sure as HELL WAS NOT GOING TO MISS IT!  I wanted to be able to walk outside and enjoy him in his excitement.  So that is what I just did.  And I wouldn't take it back if I could.  It was worth it. (just one day, gonna make it up on Tuesday, so there).

More pics of Clayton's party.  He truly enjoyed himself, which in turn, I ENJOYED MYSELF IMMENSELY!!!

SO....GREAT day overall....I am extremely tired, but I got to do something I haven't done in a while, and that was be a mommy and do mommy things....Prepare for the party, gave my old hobby some dusting off, and enjoying the day with my family.  Well worth it.  So now, it's back to business.  Chemo Time!!! I've got this.  I WILL KICK CANCERS ASS. FO SHO!!!!

Here is a small video clip of Clayton and his cousin in one of the pools I got for the kids to play in.  They had SO much fun!

I hope everyone has a great night, and please know this friends: Just because I had a one day break, doesn't mean I won't win.  Winning this is the only option.  Losing isn't even a consideration. I. WILL. WIN. THIS. BATTLE!!!

I love all of you and thanks again, for all of the support! Means SOOOOOO MUCH to me!!

Love, 

RachelPoPachel

or

Rachel

or Rach

WARNING: AMBIEN INDUCED Bloggy

So all this time I have been sleeping like Rip Van Wrinkle, last night I had a horrible night...thoughts running through my head that had no business there....cremation or burial. (cremation, btw).  I want lots of different music played, uplifting....so that will be Tonya's gift to me.  Yes, it's tacky as hell, but I want Tonya to help plan my funeral.   And last night, I had it planned down to what I would be wearing to the crematory.  What I wanted my kids to wear.  How I wanted purple (for cancer) and blue (for progressive) bows everywhere.  Man, my mind was on a roll....and not a good roll.
So after I woke up after the minimal sleep I received the first thing I thought of was FUCKKKKK THAT! No more of that crap.   I don't care what the doctors say, or what this piece of shit google device indicates, I WILL BEAT THIS DAMN CANCER!!! I might end up dying in a few years, but it will NOT be from CANCER....It will be from me living my life to the fullest and a freak accident or something.....maybe falling off a plane while skydiving before putting my shoot on....or maybe it will be a shark attack while snorkeling naked in Hawaii....It just might be riding 100 mph on the back of a bike having the time of my life.....but I will tell you what it won't be....it won't be cancer. Cuz I just know it won't.  I'm good like that.  Knowing the unknown is my specialty.  I just don't like to share that news with just anyone, I might get adult-napped and then never have the dance to swim naked with the sharks.=}  I should probably take advantage of this ambien and go night night. but then again, I will be sleeping all day again, so whats my rush russia? well, my rush is this: My eyes are falling shut. Typing with one eye open here.  
But I had to blog, just had to.  Had to tell all my friends and family that I am doing okay and tomorrow will be a new day. Oh....and I love you. Each and every one of you freaks and non-freaks. I mean that too. I ain't bull-crapping ya, its fo realzzz-sickle


g'night my loves


Rach

lots to say, but not a lot of energy to say it

Dear friends,

Thank you so very much for all your love and support, couldn't do this without all of you.  I have a small favor to ask.   My dear friend Paula is participating in www.stbaldricks.org she will be shaving her head in my honor as well as all cancer fighters to raise money for cancer research.  It's a wonderful cause, and well, I especially want her to reach her goal and hopefully double it.  Paula is a wonderful friend and I am so overwhelmed she is doing this for me.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help....only takes a few minutes to donate!  Her name is Paula Salazar, just click on the link above.
My 10 days of no chemo comes to an end tomorrow, I basically slept more than 1/2 of the time.  I am so not looking forward to starting it back up again, but I'll make it.  Oh how I do not look forward to that burning pain.....I tell myself the worse I feel, the better it is working....
Love you all so much, will write more later, so tired right now.

xoxoxoxo
Rach

Chemo-Day 5 *Where's My Miracle?*

So I have survived 1/2 of my first round. Barely. I can't keep my eyes open, sooooo tired, my body hates me, and well, MY BODY FUCKING HATES ME. I can't really describe the feeling.  Pain all over my insides.  Like a burning pain.  I have perfected the puke-technique.  I am a pro-puker, to say the least.  I feel it coming, manage to make it to the porcelain god, and not leave any trace of my existence.  *Yay Me* I have no appetite and what I do eat comes right back up.  So you would think that I would be looking Paris-Hilton-ish by now. Wrong.  I have the steroids to thank for leaving my face Tom-Arnold-ish.
Wa Waaaa Wa.  What a crybaby I have become. Complainer. Bitcher. Annoyer. Ect'er
On the good side, I am alive.  Alive and well. Okay maybe not the well part, but I am alive.  That is all that matters at this point. for the next 55 days, my life will be like this, so I better get used to it.
I just want to live. I just want to be a mom to my kids. I just want to be healthy again, someday.  All those things I used to take for granite, I will cherish them for the rest of my life.
So far I still have the purple locks.  My hair is still here.  I know that won't be for long.  Chances of me not losing it are slim to none.  I am okay with this.  I think.  The only thing I worry about is my children looking at me and seeing a "sick" mommy.  The bald head would be a sure indicator of a "sick" mommy.  I can put on a happy face now, somewhat....but the baldness is a tale-tale sign of the C-word.
FUCK I HATE THIS!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR. AT ALL.
My aunt told me this morning: Rach, God owes our family a miracle, and I am asking him for one now.  It's time our family gets some good news.
This made me cry.  Our family HAS been through so many tragedies, I don't want to be another one of them.  I want to live. I want this miracle.  Call me selfish, but I do.

Purple-ish locks and still smiling

Well, I did it. It's all about the purple!
After being diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma and coming to grips with the whole "I HAVE CANCER"thing, I've decided I have two choices. To either 'poor poor pitiful me' my way through or have a 'kick-ass' attitude and kick-ass my way through.  So what better way to start than a punk-ish-rock-ish like hair style.  I almost chose blue because I am a blue-blooded-progressive to the max, but I decided to go with purple for a couple of reasons.  Purple is the color for #LupusAwareness as well as #CancerAwareness.  Seeing as I have both, purple was the obvious choice =)  The girls and I had a great time today at the salon.  Caitlyn got one purple streak added to her hair to support me.  She looks rather kick-ass if I do say so myself.  Brooke's school won't allow purple, otherwise she would be sporting some fun too.  It's only hair, so why not?  I actually wasn't so sad about the losing the hair thing, for some reason it wasn't bothering me....but now that I have these purple luscious locks, I'm going to be sad to see them go. <tear>
Next step: Sarcoma oncologist this week and the beginning of my first round of chemo.  So kick-ass is in full effect, ready to KICK.THIS.IN.THE.ASS!!

BLUE HAIR!!

Well, seems I can't really have a week go by without something coming up.  I remember when I used to have such a simple life....no worries....everyone healthy....happy.....yada fucking yada. Seems like forever ago.
So one week after my home was burglarized I started having this sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Wait.....let me back up...  About a month or so ago, I noticed a small lump in that area...told myself it must be a fat pocket or something. Didn't think twice about it..a couple of weeks later I noticed it kind of bothered me when I would wear jeans...again, told myself it was nothing...told myself I was not about to go to the doctor so they could find something else wrong with me....it's a fat pocket Rachel, its a fat pocket.
Fast forward....sharp stabbing pain...got out of the truck and felt like something was ripping on the inside...ugh. This can't be happening...Can I please just not have this be happening to me is what I was thinking.
It was happening...I texted Robert and said "you're gonna be pissed (he was coming home from work I think). He says why? I said...I think ima have to make a trip to the ER. Whatttttttttt he says? Yup. Pain is not getting any better, only worse.
So long story short, I get to the ER, they scanned it, and sure enough it was something.  ER doc says she thought it might be a hernia but was consulting with the surgeon. So they fill me up with pain meds (the good kind...i was in la la la land) because it was REALLY hurting me at this time....the next thing I know I am headed to surgery.  Turns out I had a "mass" in my abdomen that was causing my hernia....So they removed the mass, fixed the hernia, and left me with a 7 inch scar.  My surgeon was awesome in every way except for the fact he refused my under the table offer in exchange for a tummy-tuck.  I mean hell, he was ALREADY going to be down there, why not???
Fast forward again....Wound got infected...Lupus is a bitch. It always gets in the way....refuses to let me heal the way I need to.  More antibiotics and infection is getting better.
So...I return to the doc for my checkup and he says we need to review the pathology reports. Huh? Why? Pathology....no. no. no.
Yes. Yes. Yes. That "mass" was a malignant tumor. No shit. NO FUCKING SHIT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Good news: He removed the entire tumor and took biopsies of the tissue surrounding it.  The tumor was malignant, the tissue around it was not. YAY ME.....
Not so fast. So now I have to see an oncologist and get scanned from head to toe to see if I have any of these fucking bastard tumors floating around anywhere else. The oncologist will determine if chemo/radiation will be needed.

So. I have decided that I will kick this thing in the ass. Whatever this thing is, it will be kicked in the ass. If by chance I have to lose my hair in the process, I will be sporting punk rock electric blue locks before it falls out. That's right bitches, I'm going for the blue......

I will WILL WILL be okay. I know this. It is not an option. #thinkingpositive #notgoinganywhereanytimesoon

So here I go again....down a little winding road that will make me stronger just like the last 2435734892745 winding roads I have went down.

I wonder if that oncologist will do a tummy tuck under the table.....