Update: Life, Love, Family, Friends, KickingCancersAss

So much has happened within the past week, I thought it was time for an update. On Tuesday, I was told by my doctor to visit the nearest ER, and do it fast.  I was having a lot of pain and in my lower abdomen and bleeding.  So my mother took me to the nearest emergency room (that my insurance approved) and off we went.....
They did an ultrasound and said everything looked okay, to follow up with my gynecologist.  I knew I wasn't "okay".  I know my body, and just knew something was not right.  I immediately asked for a copy of the ultrasound report and a copy of my labs.  You would have thought I was asking for President Obama's birth certificate.  The nurse looked at me like I was crazy, but finally, she complied.
Walking slowly to the car I said to my mom: "WHAT THE HELL"  "THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THESE LABS OR THE ULTRASOUND REPORT!!!"  I am not kidding, nearly 1/2 of the labs were "abnormal" and the ultrasound reported I had multiple growths on both of my ovaries and as well as my uterus.  I get into the car, it was about 4:45pm, called my gyno, spoke to the nurse and she was speechless.  She said my doctor was in surgery the following day, but made me an appointment for Thursday.
So I was there at 9am and she examined me, did another ultrasound, then took a biopsy of my endometrium, and shook her head at the reports I showed her.  She said "you are a mess inside your abdomen", we need to take care of this soon.  She recommended a total hysterectomy, but hated to take away both of my ovaries because it would immediately throw me into menopause.  I said if it means getting rid of this pain, and possibly saving my life, I am for it.  She said that was the best decision.  I can take hormones to make up for the lost ovaries.  
This can be one of two things, because the malignant tumor that was removed back in January was close to this area, it might have spread.  OR, it can be not related at all, and I could just be having "female issues".  Regardless, the growths were present and need to be removed.
I am not going to pretend I am not scared, because I am very scared.  It is yet, another major surgery and setback.  Recovery time for this is 6 weeks.  Yay me. NOT. NOT. NOT.  But each day my spirits are picking back up.  I am so thankful that I had my children at a young age and I just can't say enough how grateful I am for all three of them.  They are my life, and I just want to be here for them, as long as possible.....to see my grandchildren would be even better.
The earliest the surgery can be performed is July 13th.  Sounds far away, but not really.  My mom will be here for the day of the surgery, but she had a planned trip to Las Vegas, that she "can't" cancel.  Thankfully, I have my mother in law that will help out with the kiddo's and I have my amazing friend Tonya who is putting her life on hold to come fly out for 2-3 weeks to help me out.  I couldn't do this without Tonya being here or the support she has given me.  It has filled my heart and given me strength I didn't know I had.  I have so many friend who have helped me....Autumn, Mary, Becky, Melissa, Jennifer, Robin, Paula, Dan, Alice, and the list goes on, especially with my awesome Twitter family who is daily supporting and encouraging me.  I seriously, would not have the strength and positive attitude that I do, without these folks.  All are AMAZING!!!
So that is the latest update.  Still taking my meds and I believe I am going to get this once and for all.  I will come out stronger and a more appreciative person because of all of this.  I will be fine.  I know this.  There is no other option, but to be healthy again.  To be able to be the mom I used to be and be there for my kids in ways that I can't right now.  I want that more than anything.  I just want to be strong again.  I just want to live.  Enjoy life and my family.  And to love.....all of you!  In which I do!
Thank you all, so much for the continued love, support, and prayers!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Update on meh life

So much going on, so much to say.


First....I love all of you, all of my friends and family that have stuck by my side and continue to support me, my heart is filled because of you.
I have been on my chemo for one full week now.  The first few days were not so bad, today I just took my chemo so I have about an hour le-way to write you this.  I start getting extremely dizzy and nauseate.  Sleep is my best friend!  
To change the subject.....we had our home burglarized in January and recovered from it.  Well, yesterday morning my 12 yr old was going out getting ready to go to school (her best friends mom takes her every day) and she noticed her daddy's window broken out in his truck.  Awful.  I wish she didn't have to see that.  The feeling of not being safe in your own home is the worst feeling.  I hate that she had to see that.  We are coping.  We found out that over a dozen vehicles were in in our neighborhood.  Sad little thugs can't get a job so they steal from hard-working Americans.....So sadly we are moving forward and extra security at the house, once again.


Thank you again friends!  I have five more weeks of hell, but I am looking forward to whipping this thing in the ass more than ever!  I am strong and not giving up!
Love you, will write later!


xoxoxoxo
Rach

New Week, New Plan

So as this week begins I am having a slight amount of anxiety for what is ahead of me.  Chemo, more chemo. If I said I was surprised, I would be lying.  I had a feeling.  My leg has been giving me some pain and I wake up frequently with charlie-horses at night.  I just had a feeling my leg lesions had grown.  Sure enough, they have.
So I will be on a new chemo regimen that is considered a trial because it is used to primarily treat leukemia patients and is new (kind of) to treat leiomyosarcoma patients.  Very strong drug with just about every side effect imaginable.  I am okay with this, I have come to terms with it.  I will take chemo every day of my life, if it means being here to be a mother to my children.  I will not let go.  Not now, I am just not ready.  Is that selfish? Some say it is, but that doesn't bother me anymore.  People can say whatever they want to say, but until they have been in my shoes, they need to keep the negative to themselves.  I have been surrounding myself with all things good.  No time for people who bring me down, even if not intentionally.  You would not believe the comments I have heard lately....Here are a couple of examples:

"With your medical condition, you might not do that, you don't know if you will be here this time next year."
"Well, the statistics aren't good, I am just trying to be realistic."
"You probably won't be here next year, so we need to do it sooner rather than later"

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I AM DYING?

I mean SERIOUSLY!!! WTF!!!! I refuse to live my life as if I am dying.  I live my life for each day and I consider myself blessed to be here and have the amazing life I have.  I will not look into my future and see nothing.  I will continue to look into my future and see my children graduate high school, then college, then get married, or whatever it is they want to do.  I see myself as a nurse again, helping people.  I see myself happily married and enjoying every second with my soul mate.  I see myself LIVING!!!!!
So....here is the deal....if this is not what YOU see me doing, then keep your mouth shut.  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to feel it.  I want no part of it.
I have been hurt by some close family members over this "cancer-thing".  I guess maybe I expect too much....like a phone call once a week or even a text "hey, how ya doing" kind of thing.  I must be expecting too much or they just don't give a shit.  One or the other, it's whatever.  I certainly don't expect people to be calling me and checking on me everyday, but I know if it were my close family member, I would be supportive and encouraging...but that is just me...
Anyhow, I can't control others.....I can't make sense of it all.  So I will just continue to live.....life to the FULLEST!!!!!
Might I suggest something to my fabulous readers....use me as an example, use me as an excuse.  An example of how life can take a turn in a matter of minutes....as an excuse to do all the things you dream of doing, an excuse to be all it is who you are.  Dig deep....find your spirit.....find out who you REALLY are, and be that person.  From now until eternity.  Don't waste another moment feeling sorry for yourself or making excuses for why you aren't who you want to be.  OWN YOURSELF.  BE THAT PERSON YOU SEE IN YOUR FUTURE, NOW!!!!!
Don't ever take another second for granted.  I can't tell you how much time I want to spend with my family.  There aren't enough hours in the day for me to spend with them.  I have been having crying spells in which I need time alone to work through.  Then I have a sense of guilt because I could have been using that time to spend with my girls or playing with Clayton.  Just last night Caitlyn asked if she could ride with me to pick up Brooke from a birthday party, I said no babe, I'll be right back.  I had planned that car ride to get Brooke for a "let it all out and crying spell".  Then I found myself crying because I didn't let Caitlyn go.  That was 20 more minutes I could have spent with her.  I am so confused.  I enjoy my "alone" time, the minimum amount I get....I use it to think, listen to music, plan my future and sometimes just cry.  I don't want my kids to see me vulnerable or weak.  I want them to know that I am a fighter and this is not going to get me down.  Maybe that is wrong, maybe they should see my emotions....I'm not sure, this is all so new to me.  We will work through it.  We always do.  What I do know is this:  I will do anything and everything to make it out of this and I will be a changed person.  I already am.
Thank you for the love, support, and faith.  I need them all so very much!
xoxoxoxo

Rach



xoxoxoxo
Rach

3am

It's 3am and I am wide awake.  Possibly because I slept 90% of the day away, ya think? Yup, I think.  I guess I am still recovering from that chemo crap....my body is so confused and my brain, well, we won't even go there.  I had family members talking about me dying this week.  I heard it "through the grapevine".  No, really, I did.  Apparently statistically I am going to die.  Well, I say screw those statistics, because I am not going anywhere, ANY time soon.  I have way too much to live for, tons of fight in me, and well, WAY TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!

Look at just a few things that keep me going, every single second of every single day!

Me and my girls

My sweet boy Clayton

DEXTER!!!

Lookie at this OLD pic of Robert and me!

My point is.....I am alive today and that is what matters.  I promised myself I will live each day as if it is my last.  I plan on getting hit by a train before I let this cancer kill me. (did I just jinx myself) (note to self: stay away from trains)

I love my life.  I love my family. I love my friends.
Goodnight all,
Rach

#Don'tJudgeMe

So today was the day we celebrated my little wild-mans 3rd birthday.  I knew I wanted to keep it low key as he doesn't do so well with a large and loud atmosphere....his social skills are not near where they should be. #autism
So I invited my closest friends and about 20 or so family members.  We have a HUGE family, so 20 is nothing and I am sure I hurt some feelings over this, BUT.....I have to do what is best for Clayton.  After all, it was HIS birthday and today was about him! I decided that the weather man would just have to work with me here because i wanted it to be outside, with his new playground/swing-set and some water fun.
I went out and bought a cool hippo pool with a slide and then a smaller wading pool. The kiddos had SO much fun!
Since I have had this tumor removed and the doctor indicated it was more than likely part of the leiomyosarcoma, I have been a bit down.  Just thinking like any mother would all the what ifs. "what if I didn't see my daughter turn 16? What if I didn't see Clayton's 4th birthday, what if my middle child needs my like she always does to lean on, and I am not here."
So I made a decision to skip chemo Saturday night.  Yup. That is right.  I didn't take it.  If I HAD of taken it, I would have been stuck inside all day and not be able to enjoy my son and see him so happy, throwing up profusely, and it would have thrown me into a pitty party depression, which I refuse to let myself get there.  So I said fuck it. And skipped it.  So instead of Monday ending my treatments, it will now be Tuesday.
Before getting ready for the party, I decided it was time to liven up the place. IT'S SPRING! I WANT FLOWERS!  So I did it, and lots of them...the certainly don't look like a professional did them, but it was almost therapeutic in a a way....very relaxing.... Here are some photos of my back yard....The flowers are fresh and on SALE.... and the little stepping stones came from the $1 Store. Can you believe that? They were SO cute! I mean....it was obviously to me that I need a  Spring makeover on my flowerbeds. Just so obvious. I love working in my yard. LOVE the flowers, the humming birds, the every changing growth

' 

So there ya see.....I spent most of last evening doing my thang...my hobby I guess (when I have the time).  Since I have been sick, I haven't been able to do anything.  It is getting old and on my last friggin nerve actually.  That isn't saying i am giving up by any means....bc I will take chemo every day of my life if I have to,  for my children's sake.  THEY are who make me stronger, make me fight harder.  It made me so happy to be able to do it.  To liven up things for the party and make my backyard somewhat pretty again.

Then there is a but.....a big but....

All the guest kept saying wow, rachel looks good today compared to othere days.  Is her chemo over yet?  When someone asked my mom that, a big loud bell when off in her ear and I felt like I was 10 again.  Finally I said something like this.....Mom, as hard as I fight, and I do and will always fight like hell, you and I know both know that this cancer is hard to cure.  My little wild-man deserved a great party ( he has been through hell and back with all these autism doctors, lab work, new OT and ST thereapist, ect...ect.......I wanted him to have a GREAT day.  A great day would not have occured with mommy puking all day and laying in bed.  So Mom, I am almost 36 years old.  I know you say those things because you love me.  Well, I chose to not take chemo for one night because I love my kids.  This COULD be my last birthday party with one of them, and I sure as HELL WAS NOT GOING TO MISS IT!  I wanted to be able to walk outside and enjoy him in his excitement.  So that is what I just did.  And I wouldn't take it back if I could.  It was worth it. (just one day, gonna make it up on Tuesday, so there).

More pics of Clayton's party.  He truly enjoyed himself, which in turn, I ENJOYED MYSELF IMMENSELY!!!

SO....GREAT day overall....I am extremely tired, but I got to do something I haven't done in a while, and that was be a mommy and do mommy things....Prepare for the party, gave my old hobby some dusting off, and enjoying the day with my family.  Well worth it.  So now, it's back to business.  Chemo Time!!! I've got this.  I WILL KICK CANCERS ASS. FO SHO!!!!

Here is a small video clip of Clayton and his cousin in one of the pools I got for the kids to play in.  They had SO much fun!

I hope everyone has a great night, and please know this friends: Just because I had a one day break, doesn't mean I won't win.  Winning this is the only option.  Losing isn't even a consideration. I. WILL. WIN. THIS. BATTLE!!!

I love all of you and thanks again, for all of the support! Means SOOOOOO MUCH to me!!

Love, 

RachelPoPachel

or

Rachel

or Rach

WARNING: AMBIEN INDUCED Bloggy

So all this time I have been sleeping like Rip Van Wrinkle, last night I had a horrible night...thoughts running through my head that had no business there....cremation or burial. (cremation, btw).  I want lots of different music played, uplifting....so that will be Tonya's gift to me.  Yes, it's tacky as hell, but I want Tonya to help plan my funeral.   And last night, I had it planned down to what I would be wearing to the crematory.  What I wanted my kids to wear.  How I wanted purple (for cancer) and blue (for progressive) bows everywhere.  Man, my mind was on a roll....and not a good roll.
So after I woke up after the minimal sleep I received the first thing I thought of was FUCKKKKK THAT! No more of that crap.   I don't care what the doctors say, or what this piece of shit google device indicates, I WILL BEAT THIS DAMN CANCER!!! I might end up dying in a few years, but it will NOT be from CANCER....It will be from me living my life to the fullest and a freak accident or something.....maybe falling off a plane while skydiving before putting my shoot on....or maybe it will be a shark attack while snorkeling naked in Hawaii....It just might be riding 100 mph on the back of a bike having the time of my life.....but I will tell you what it won't be....it won't be cancer. Cuz I just know it won't.  I'm good like that.  Knowing the unknown is my specialty.  I just don't like to share that news with just anyone, I might get adult-napped and then never have the dance to swim naked with the sharks.=}  I should probably take advantage of this ambien and go night night. but then again, I will be sleeping all day again, so whats my rush russia? well, my rush is this: My eyes are falling shut. Typing with one eye open here.  
But I had to blog, just had to.  Had to tell all my friends and family that I am doing okay and tomorrow will be a new day. Oh....and I love you. Each and every one of you freaks and non-freaks. I mean that too. I ain't bull-crapping ya, its fo realzzz-sickle


g'night my loves


Rach

lots to say, but not a lot of energy to say it

Dear friends,

Thank you so very much for all your love and support, couldn't do this without all of you.  I have a small favor to ask.   My dear friend Paula is participating in www.stbaldricks.org she will be shaving her head in my honor as well as all cancer fighters to raise money for cancer research.  It's a wonderful cause, and well, I especially want her to reach her goal and hopefully double it.  Paula is a wonderful friend and I am so overwhelmed she is doing this for me.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help....only takes a few minutes to donate!  Her name is Paula Salazar, just click on the link above.
My 10 days of no chemo comes to an end tomorrow, I basically slept more than 1/2 of the time.  I am so not looking forward to starting it back up again, but I'll make it.  Oh how I do not look forward to that burning pain.....I tell myself the worse I feel, the better it is working....
Love you all so much, will write more later, so tired right now.

xoxoxoxo
Rach