I have had this feeling of incompleteness lately. As if I am running to something but the something remains a mystery. I need that something. I depend on that something and that something depends on me.....the harder I run the more I get lost.
Make sense? I know, it confuses the hell outta me too. But thats the deal and I am still trying to figure it out myself. Depression is a mutha plucka. As much as it hurts me it hurts everyone around me just as bad. I intern, take THAT hurt on and own that hurt as well. It is a worlds worth of hurt that I feel on any given day. Reason still unknown. What I do know is I am getting help and I am know longer ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it. I know I can't do it alone and I don't want to do it alone. What is "it"? It is this journey that my inner soul has decided to take without my fucking permission. It sucks actually, really sucks.
I have ALWAYS been the strong one. The keeper of the family. That one string that holds the whole fucking sock together. Yup, that was me. Now? not even close! I am buried in my own shit. Shit I don't like. Shit I want to go away but instead of going away, it is forcing me to come face to face with it and frankly dahling, I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! But I am. I am no longer running. I am face to face with this and I finally feel hopeful that I can overcome this feeling of incompleteness once I own this and move past this. I will no longer be that incomplete crazy bitch. I will just be that crazy bitch <wink>
Seriously though, I am ready to be happy. It is about damn time I take this fake fucking smile off of my face and replace it with a real one. Many changes are to follow......many, many changes. Changes that may hurt other people, but will help me in great ways....
So watch out world.....here.....I.......come......COMPLETELY!!!!
So after months and friend after friend telling me that our family should be watching Parenthood, we decided to start earlier this week. WOW....is this an autobiography of my adult life or what? I usually start crying mid-episode and the tears occasionally stop, but not much.
I haven't blogged much since my son was diagnosed with autism. Our one year anniversary is coming up. It's been almost a year since we "officially" were told our almost 3 year old (at the time) had a condition that would effect him for the rest of his life...
So how has this changed me? After a zillion of emotions and a million episodes of these emotions I am finally at a place of peace with his diagnosis. I mostly got here at this peaceful place from the support of my family and friends and online support and blogs and TRUE FRIENDS. Some friends, I didn't even know were so dear to my heart became dear to my heart. I am ever so grateful for them, they know who they are.....friends have almost "adopted" my son and love his as if he was family to them. This is an overwhelming feeling....to have so much support.
Recently, I lost one of my main supporters....gone...vanished from our life. It is hard to believe, but it's finally real to me. Thankfully, I have an ever-ending amount of support, but one can never have too much.
I don't think I would be this strong without the support I receive at his ABA school. They are amazing and anyone who knows me probably gets tired of me talking about his school. But when I say I couldn't do this without them, that is such an understatement.
I struggled growing up, just like most kids, trying to find my place in this world. I want nothing more than my son, and my daughters, to find their place. Don't we all? Such a tough parenting roll....helping them find their place....
But how do you help an autistic child find their place in this world, when you as a parent have no idea where your child belongs? My answer is.....we go with the flow. We take each day and move a little with it....We STILL let THEM find their place, it just might be a different place than what we originally dreamed for them.....but that is okay. IT IS OKAY. Because their place, autistic or not, is JUST as SPECIAL than any other child. I am realizing this slowly...because finding out your child has autism and dealing with it is a slow process.
To parents of newly diagnosed children....my advice is this.....love your child, embrace their differences from other children, and go with those differences. As a family, there is nothing more important than to stay together and fight together. Whatever it takes.....
I rambled. Sorry for that. I tend to start a blog and end it without completing a single thought.....tis my blog, so i can do that =)
Love,
Me
I haven't blogged in a while and thought I would sit down and see what happens. So much has gone on, but tonight I am in a particularly rare mood. Can't really explain it. I make mistakes and I learn from them and that is something I am proud of....the learning part. What I struggle with is forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made. Moving forward is hard for me. So much weighs on my mind that I never talk about. So many regrets and I am extremely hard on myself. I know I am not perfect and I will always make mistakes, after all, I am human. The mistakes I make seem to effect the people I love the most directly. People are able to forgive me, but I can't seem to forgive myself. I am a deeply emotional person and I wish I weren't.
Even though I might be having a fabulous day on the outside, I am usually crying on the inside. Not always, but too often. I hate to call me a fake person because I am as real as real gets, but I just choose to hide my inner emotions and not let the world see. My mind is constantly going. I can't seem to stop it. I think about what I did wrong last week, last month, last year, and so on. Why is this? Why can't I let things go? Why am I so hard on myself? I hate hurting people and I know I have hurt people in my life. All who I am deeply sorry to and they seem to forgive me, but I am unable to forgive myself and move on. It's not healthy and it gives me a huge amount of anxiety. The pressure I put on myself is ridiculous.
So how do I fix me? It seems like I am able to fix other people, even inspire some.....but I can't fix myself. Maybe I am not meant to be fixed, maybe just maybe, this is the way I am supposed to be. Unfixable.
I have been writing a memoir and I am hoping getting everything out will somehow be therapeutic for me....who knows. Can't even tell you how many therapist I have seen and I end up faking my way to "all better now". Not on purpose, but it just happens.
All I want in life is, of course, my children to be happy and healthy, and to someday be truly happy with myself. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life, I am just unhappy with myself.....if that makes any sense at all.
I feel like I have failed me.....with all my health issues.....with all my emotional baggage....with all my mistakes.....I feel as though I have failed my spirit.
Tomorrow is a new day....who knows? Maybe I will figure me out.
So......I went for a little grocery shopping trip and ended it with a great laugh. I finished shopping and strolled on out to my car. Tried to pop the trunk but it wasn't working. I have been having battery issues with the remote lock button and well....just haven't bothered to fix it. It has been going on since Tonya was in town, so needless to say, I need to get it fixed. Anyhow, I opened "my" car door and manually pop the trunk. Trunk opens and low and behold my trunk is magically cleaned. I assume my husband has surprised me and cleaned out my trunk....it wasn't majorly messy to begin with but had some craft stuff in there.
So I unload my groceries and then get into the car and try to start it. I was like WTH?? NOW what is wrong with my car???? So I get out and there is this little elderly gentleman asking me to help him find his car. I said sure hun, what does it look like? He states it looks just like mine, same body, same color. WaaaaaaaaHAT??? Then it hit me, I was in this mans CAR!!!!!
So after trying to explain to him how dingy I was...and I was so sorry.....I took my groceries out of HIS trunk and loaded his groceries in there for him......into HIS CAR!!!!!!
Then I looked one row over and low and behold I found my car. I suggested to the man he might want to start locking his door. He asked with a puzzled look why? I said because the next time someone might not be mistaking it for their own, they might try to be making it their own!!!!
I left and I still don't think the man knew what was going on. He was totally confused and I felt so bad, but I have to laugh at myself. You know I blame it on Shelby (my blonde wig). I was obviously having a blonde moment!
PEACE, LOVE, AND CARS!
Rach
xoxoxoxo
So today I went to the Women's Health Boutique to get my radical-reddish-wig trimmed up and styled. While I was there, this blonde bimbo was talking to me. She was saying....buy me buy me.....She was just a head and her body was to be imagined, but I thought she was gorgeous. Her name was Shelby and Shelby wanted me to have her in a major way. Shelby was even 30% off.....(signs signs, everywhere there are signs). Shelby kept chanting to me and finally I tried her on. I was in mad love with Shelby. I told her if I bought her, I would still be a brunette at heart and she can't by any means take my brains away from me. Shelby promised she would be just for fun and would leave my intellect in tact! So it was a done deal! Today, I am Shelby!! I LOVE SHELBY!!!! She makes me feel tan and free-spirited!! So YAY!!!!!
Love,
Shelby
So, there are two ways of me looking at this issues.
1) I suck at being healthy
2) I suck at being healthy
Okay, that was supposed to be funny, but semi-true as of this past year. Last month I had the wonderful privilege (snark) of having a hysterectomy. I was becoming accustomed to the fact that hot flashes and hormonal surges were now a part of my everyday life, but I wasn't accepting my bladder that kept failing me. I won't go into the pissy details, but let's just say my days are more than the average "pissy".
I went to my urologist today and he told me that more than likely my bladder was damaged during my hysterectomy surgery. GaaaaaaaaaaREAT! It could be interstitial cystitis, but given my recent surgery and the symptoms, my bladder appears to be damaged. I don't like damaged. I don't want damaged. I want HEALTHY and thats that.
Good news...it is fixable. So next week, I will go in "to get fixed". Then the week after that, I will see if my broken elbow will need surgery.
I don't like surgery, I can't stand it really. One would never know if they looked at my medical records because I have had more the past year than most people have in a life time. I am over it.
Yes, I am having a poor poor pitiful me moment. But I am allowed to do that. This is my blog, if you don't fucking like it, then stop reading it.
(Last comment directed to someone in particular, he knows who he is)
Anyhow....I just needed to get that out. Why? I am not sure. But I just did.
So now I am going to sit down and enjoy a movie with my husband. Despite what some people think, I really enjoy the simple things in life and can't wait until my life gets back to "simple" again! simple=healthy
Thanks for all my blog readers who appreciate me and my thoughts. I have had a recent complainer who tried to bring me down, and I almost let him for a brief 10 minutes or so. Then I realized, this is my life. I own me. Nobody can deny my thoughts to myself. I happen to love me, just the way I am! (minus pissy bladder).
xoxoxoxo
On Friday, Caitlyn , my good friend Jennifer
and her daughter Ashlynn headed out to see 100 Monkeys perform! If you have never heard them, you are missing out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDWxJMhKRzo They are a unique rockish-bluesyish band who are just fun to watch and have a great sound!
Before the concert we took the girls to Hard Rock Cafe and had dinner and some fun! It was a great start to the night. Then we headed to House of Blues and listened to the bands before the headliner. We were able to people watch, which is always fun. lol
So 100 Monkeys starts and they were awesome! Jenn and Ashlynn had never seen them so they were quite impressed! And in awe of Jackson Rathbone (Jasper Cullen from Twilight). He is the lead singer and he is H A W T!!!!!! And baby, he can sing, dance, entertain, he can do it ALL!!!!
Right before the show ended I went to the merch table and asked if they would be signing autographs after the show, the answer was yes, right there at the merch table...
So I went and got the girls, we headed to the merch table, bought some shirts and pulled out our pictures of the band and of Jackson that my husband had printed out for us. Sure enough, after the show, here came the monkeys!!!! The were so gracious and happy to sign everything we had! We were ecstatic!!!
After the concert Jenn and I took off our sexy shoes and went shoeless for the (long) walk back to the car. No big deal, we agreed we would just soak our feet in bleach water to remove the nastiness from the street we were picking up. Jenn was talking to me and apparently I can't walk and listen at the same time and I tripped, flew a few feet in the air (I kept telling myself I wasn't going to fall, I wasn't going to fall, I was NOT GOING TO FALL) then coming down from the air I realized I. WAS. GOING. TO. FALL.
That is exactly what I did. Landed on my right elbow and just laid in the street. Jenn, Caitlyn, and Ashlynn were so scared, all came running to my side. I just laid there and said give me just a minute. Caitlyn was so helpful (they all were) and she helped me up. I said I was okay, then realized I was dripping blood. I pretty much had a chunk hanging from my elbow. So I wrapped it up in a handkerchief (I just so happened to have in my purse) and we went on our way.
That morning when we got home around 1:30 or so, poor Robert had to hear the usual "I think I need to go to the ER"....his response was "What now". So I just showed him. Then I decided to wait a few hours until the pain was unbearable. Robert had to take Caitlyn to the airport so I had to drive myself to the ER. Oh yeh, that was some fun. Ummm huh....
Long story short and 5 stitches and a broken elbow later, all is okay.
I am in a soft cast so I am able to take it off and clean the sutures. In two weeks I will be suture free and in a new cast. Hopefully it heals on it's own just fine and no surgery will be needed. I am all surgery-out for the year. Seriously.
Now, someone please remove this bad Karma and give it to someone else. I am over it!
