SPCA

I got a phone call today from an investigator at the local SPCA regarding my complaint to them about the puppy mill....He wanted to thank me for everything I sent him, said it is making his job much easier....He kind of laughed and I laughed then he said "no, I am being serious."  No one has ever presented this much evidence against someone, we usually have to dig and find it."  The envelope I sent him cost $7 and some change, so yeh, there was a lot in there....lol
So I told him once I got started and realized she indeed was a part of a puppy mill, I couldn't just let it go.  Thats not me.  Puppy mills unfortunately are all over the place, and in the state of Texas our laws SUCK.  So I am teaming up with a friend and we are going to do everything we can to get those laws changed.  
Yeh, I know...like I have time for this.  Well, I will make time.  Seeing Ella suffer like that really hit me hard.  So...it might take a while and it might not even happen, but I sure will try.
Back to the phone call I received...the investigator also said that she(puppy mill bitch) is more than likely a "runner" for the actual puppy mill and he wants the entire mill shut down. And then he thanked me again. And again. And well....that just made my day. Not sure why, but it made me feel good.
#PuppyPower #RIPElla

This can't be happening....

So as my mom, my dear sweet mom, is recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, she has been undergoing some test.  First, her potassium came back low, really low. That kind of alarmed me. Then last night when I was visiting they told her an endrocrinologist would be coming in at a later time. Alarm number two for me. So on my way home, my brain went into overdrive and I couldn't stop using what I've learned in nursing school to try to figure out what in the hell could be going on. Then it clicked....something is wrong with her endocrine system.  Your endocrine system is basically all your glands in your body...your thyroid, adrenal, and pituitary. The adrenal gland in particular can cause your epinephrine and norepinephrine to be out of whack, as well as other hormones. It can also throw your potassium off. An increase in epi can obviously cause problems such as heart attacks.
Last night, I told my husband I think my mom has a tumor. No shit. I told him that.
Today my mom calls me and says this (in a tone like its no big deal, cause that is just how she is) Well, they found a tumor on my adrenal gland and they are going to call in an oncologist.
WTFuckingFUCK mom? NO WAY! She says yes way. I say no way. She again says yes way.

So that is the update. My uncle told me to think positive. Yes, adrenal cancer is rare, but my mother is already showing signs. I am in shock. Don't really know what to think or say. It is really hard for me to think positive with all that has happened. All I know is I can't lose my mom. Not now. Not like this. NOT FUCKING NOW!
So that's it. All I can say is wow. wow. wow. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Thanks for all of your kindness and support, I can't say it enough. I love you all, mucho galore! I'm just a little numb.....
Rach

Broken Heart

I've heard the saying before "he/she died from a broken heart". I always knew it could happen.  But to see it almost happen with my own eyes was....well, I don't have words for it.  My dad has been gone for 1 month and 15 days. In my opinion, mom still has yet to grieve.  She has been so strong, too strong.  Trying to hold the family together.  Trying to do too much. Still hasn't grasped the concept that her husband of almost 21 years is gone. It hasn't set in.  I can't imagine going home to an empty house that you shared with someone for that long.  Last summer (2009), she and dad were talking about getting ready to retire, buying a small cottage house around the lake and just enjoying their lives.  They both lived very modest. But they loved life. Loved to live.  Loved camping and spending time with each other.  She had told me that summer something along these lines:  Rachel, I am so in love with my husband, I am so happy with my life, but I have the biggest fear and a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.  I told her she was being silly and that the only thing that was going to happen would be they would be able to enjoy each other without having to work. And of course, that lake house would be a get away for us and to expect us up there every weekend.  She still said....no, I just think something bad is going to happen.  I told her she was crazy and shouldn't be so negative.
Three months later my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. 
I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or to say she's had it rough.  I promise I am not.  But I just don't get it. I don't get why it had to happen at all, but why now? Why couldn't they have got a little time to live their dream? My mom and dad had the best relationship ever.  RARELY argued, were so affectionate. Hell, they still held hands when they went everywhere.  Yes, they were that older couple who would hold hands walking into the grocery store or when they took walks together.  So cute, so sweet, so much in love.
This is why I think my mothers heart finally broke down.  She IS a strong woman.  They strongest I know. But sometimes, being strong is a bad thing.  You have to let it out, you have to cry...scream...and cry some more.  I realize I probably do enough those things for both of us, but that doesn't really count. 
Mom is going to be okay.  THANK GOD.  Do you know she wasn't even going to let me take her to the emergency room???  She said just let me lay down and I'll be fine.  FUCK THAT MOM. If you lay down, you might not ever get up.  She said "That would be fine too".  I said fine for you, but not fine for us.  Now get your ass off that couch or else I'll kick your ass off that couch and all the way to the emergency room if I have to.  FOR GODS SAKE mom, I am a nurse. Give me a little bit of credit, this is not good.  SOMETHING IS WRONG.  
So, she finally listened.  I told her Mom, Dad would be pissed. Right now, he would be saying "SABRINA, stop being so bull-headed and go". That got a chuckle from her and said you are so right, let me get my purse.
So off we went....(thank you dad, you helped me get her there).
I feel so numb....so...just here...nothing I can do but love her and I do a lot of that.  I can't lose her. Now that she is stable I am feeling some better.  But she SCARED THE SCARE outta me! Of course I tried not to show it, but I have been a basket case on the inside...(whats new, huh).
I know I always say I am going to do this or do that....but THIS is what I am going to do: My mom and I will get healthy this new year.  For us and for my kids and for our families....It is NOT an option.  I WILL be focusing on my family, our health, my mom, and my children.  I WILL help my son in any and every way possibly.  And...I will be happy.  I am so grateful for the wonderful things in my life and all the MANY blessings I have.  My friends and family have been so supportive, loving, just UNBELIEVABLY amazing to me...Tonya, Jenn, Autumn, Melissa, Erica, Rachel, my Twitter friends, ALL of my friends.  Just unbelievably supportive and caring.  I can't thank them enough.  My brother and I have became close again, and I thank God for that.  Despite his crazy political views, he is a great guy and I love him to pieces.  Because of him and my dad, I have found a new church that I feel so at home at.  It's non-denominational, just a plain Christian church.  I actually enjoy going to the service and am sorry I missed it today.  I walk in there and out of there feeling like a new person.  So refreshed.  I hadn't felt that way in a Catholic church in years.  This church has helped me in so many ways and I haven't even been going that long.  I look forward to getting involved and getting my relationship back with God. (no worries my progressive friends...I am still me after all, you can't take that BLUE blood outta me) I love you all, all of you.
So with this, I will end...but its not the end of me.  I am trying so hard to remain positive, and with all my heart I want to be a better me. The good thing is my latest blood work came back and for some odd reason, my lupus hasn't flared up.  A blessing from God and I can't help but think my daddy has something to do with it.  He and my brother and Gramps and Granny Fielder are watching over us, helping us through this.
Thank you all for reading my blog (rants, whines, gripes, bitching). Thanks so much for everything! I <3 you all!

DEXTER

I am officially a new parent, to a PUPPY!!! As nervous as I was about getting one due to our last ordeal, I did it!  I have been looking at local animal shelters for weeks if not a couple of months...and it's very hard to find a dog who is hypoallergenic...so I went to the ads (hesitantly). After verifying that this was a REAL BREEDER, who LOVED ANIMALS, visiting her home, seeing the Sire and Dame, seeing all the puppies, verifying the vet visits of the puppies, ect....I brought home our little bundle of snow white fur...

His name? (drum roll please) .................. D E X T E R!!!! How could it not be? My daughter first thought of--- first name: Jack middle name: Daniels AKA Jack Daniels.  As tempted as the name was....we went with the second name she came up with: DEXTER! I can't believe I didn't think of it. Perfect name for our little puppy.

Can I tell you how excited I am.  I love dogs, love love love them....I was so excited to get little Ella Jager and then heartbroken after what happened. I feel so much better about this entire situation and am so excited to have my sweet baby boy as an addition to my family.  The girls are elated and Clayton keeps saying "puppy, puppy" woof woof woof....he is so happy to have a little friend =)

Jackass comments

Too bad I had to go private. I say this because I had been getting NUMEROUS comments left for autism research, autism advocacy, friends who were helping me through the puppymill situation, friends that were leaving me prayers for my dad, ECT. BUT...I had to.  We all know there are many jackasses in this world and one in particular kept leaving me jackass comments. So, with out further a-due. I am a members-only blog. Sounds kinda strip-club-ish doesn't it. Oh well...hopefully I won't have to keep it this way for long...I even had an authur I was conversing with who wrote a book for special needs children... <sad face> I will miss all my blog readers, but I need to focus on what is important in life and not the jackass. (a good friend pointed that out to me, he is right on point).
Have a great Tuesday my friends, all 11 of you who might be reading this. lol

Bitter Sweet

As my brother gears up to celebrate his 30th birthday, We are also remembering the loss of his twin...my sweet brother Jeremiah "joey" who lost his life 15 years ago tomorrow...
15 years ago.  It doesn't seem like 15 years.  Doesn't even seem like 5.  I often wonder (a lot) what he would look like, what he would be doing, would he be married, kids, a doctor, maybe an EMT, ect....
I miss him so much.  My daughter was barely 2 weeks old when he passed away. It was a tragic accident with a gun...
I remember the night it happened....it was a quiet night and my husband and I were house sitting at my grandmothers.  My mom called us and said HURRY, JOEY IS HURT...by the time we got there life-light was landing and I was just in shock.  Everyone was trying to keep me from going into the bedroom from seeing the paramedics work to revive him.  At the time, we didn't know if he had actually been shot.  Only that he was unconscious and there was a gun by his side...a gun that my parents owned and had put up in the closet.  My brother had been getting Christmas lights down from the attic, must have fallen, hit the gun on the way down, and the gun went off when it hit the ground. A freak, tragic, accident.  Changed my life, our lives, forever.
We all miss him so much....tonight is the anniversary of it happening.
I miss you Joey and love you so much.
There is one thing I do know, he would not have been a RWNJ like his twin. =) lolol He woulda been on my team! Although his twin Josh is amazing, just a little too conservative for my blue blood....I love him anyway, he is awesome!

One more thing...

Recently...more like the past year, my life has been filled with drama, my father being diagnosed with brain cancer, my father dying, my entire puppymillbitch situation, more drama, and now my son being diagnosed and I am still fighting to get him seen by a specialist....But I want to say this:

I am so grateful for the life I do have.  I know it could be so much worse.  I know there are people in a hell of a lot worse situations.  I am grateful for my family, my friends, and just being able to make it in this world.  I don't take anything for granted. NOTHING.  I know I probably seem like a bitch, or a whiner, or a huge complainer....but I just want to say I am sooooo thankful and I am so blessed with having what I do have in my life and having WHO I have in my life.

So blogging has become kind of an outlet for me...but I just want to be clear.  I know I have a big heart and I am not scared to use it.  I love my life and wouldn't change a thing because I am who I am today because of everything I went through....all the trials and tribulations have made me stronger.

So thank you friends, thank you for putting up with me and mostly, thank you for ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT!! When I say it means a lot, IT MEANS A LOT.  People have trashed me, called me names, said I was a bad mother....ect....but I know I am a good person and my parenting is my number one priority.  I am not perfect by any means, but I won't give up a fight for any of my kids.  I will fight for them all, and I thank you all for the support you have given me through everything.

Have a good weekend
xoxoxoxoxo
Rach