new me

On July 27th 2013 i woke up at 4:07am wit horrable hed ake. thot sum one was tring to rob us an kill me with bat hit me ovr hed wit base ball bat. i cewld not get out bed fer two days. finely my mom drug me to hospatal….thay did cat scan. long stories short, i was sent home with migrane. 4 day latr wen bak two there an mom made them dew moore test. i was air liveted to trama hospatial an had brain surgry fer brain aneurysm .  at first i came out sergry not so bad. then start gotten worser. fownd out becawse as brain heels, nurons and stuff are reconet and may bee not reconect the rite way. then started havin seezures. so now hard fer me two walk rite. or rite. no driven. no werkin. no lots of thangs.

but ya no wut….IM ALIFE!!!!!!!!!!! andd werkin and bownd and deter mind to git bedder. i will. i just fill like i will. slow may be. but try hard and werk hard and nevar evr give up!

INCOMPLETELY

I have had this feeling of incompleteness lately.  As if I am running to something but the something remains a mystery.  I need that something.  I depend on that something and that something depends on me.....the harder I run the more I get lost.

Make sense?  I know, it confuses the hell outta me too.  But thats the deal and I am still trying to figure it out myself.  Depression is a mutha plucka.  As much as it hurts me it hurts everyone around me just as bad.  I intern, take THAT hurt on and own that hurt as well.  It is a worlds worth of hurt that I feel on any given day.  Reason still unknown.  What I do know is I am getting help and I am know longer ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it.  I know I can't do it alone and I don't want to do it alone.  What is "it"? It is this journey that my inner soul has decided to take without my fucking permission.  It sucks actually, really sucks.

I have ALWAYS been the strong one.  The keeper of the family.  That one string that holds the whole fucking sock together.  Yup, that was me.  Now? not even close!  I am buried in my own shit.  Shit I don't like.  Shit I want to go away but instead of going away, it is forcing me to come face to face with it and frankly dahling, I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!  But I am.  I am no longer running.  I am face to face with this and I finally feel hopeful that I can overcome this feeling of incompleteness once I own this and move past this.  I will no longer be that incomplete crazy bitch.  I will just be that crazy bitch <wink>

Seriously though, I am ready to be happy.  It is about damn time I take this fake fucking smile off of my face and replace it with a real one.  Many changes are to follow......many, many changes.   Changes that may hurt other people, but will help me in great ways....

So watch out world.....here.....I.......come......COMPLETELY!!!!