Chemo-Day 5 *Where's My Miracle?*

So I have survived 1/2 of my first round. Barely. I can't keep my eyes open, sooooo tired, my body hates me, and well, MY BODY FUCKING HATES ME. I can't really describe the feeling.  Pain all over my insides.  Like a burning pain.  I have perfected the puke-technique.  I am a pro-puker, to say the least.  I feel it coming, manage to make it to the porcelain god, and not leave any trace of my existence.  *Yay Me* I have no appetite and what I do eat comes right back up.  So you would think that I would be looking Paris-Hilton-ish by now. Wrong.  I have the steroids to thank for leaving my face Tom-Arnold-ish.
Wa Waaaa Wa.  What a crybaby I have become. Complainer. Bitcher. Annoyer. Ect'er
On the good side, I am alive.  Alive and well. Okay maybe not the well part, but I am alive.  That is all that matters at this point. for the next 55 days, my life will be like this, so I better get used to it.
I just want to live. I just want to be a mom to my kids. I just want to be healthy again, someday.  All those things I used to take for granite, I will cherish them for the rest of my life.
So far I still have the purple locks.  My hair is still here.  I know that won't be for long.  Chances of me not losing it are slim to none.  I am okay with this.  I think.  The only thing I worry about is my children looking at me and seeing a "sick" mommy.  The bald head would be a sure indicator of a "sick" mommy.  I can put on a happy face now, somewhat....but the baldness is a tale-tale sign of the C-word.
FUCK I HATE THIS!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR. AT ALL.
My aunt told me this morning: Rach, God owes our family a miracle, and I am asking him for one now.  It's time our family gets some good news.
This made me cry.  Our family HAS been through so many tragedies, I don't want to be another one of them.  I want to live. I want this miracle.  Call me selfish, but I do.

Purple-ish locks and still smiling

Well, I did it. It's all about the purple!
After being diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma and coming to grips with the whole "I HAVE CANCER"thing, I've decided I have two choices. To either 'poor poor pitiful me' my way through or have a 'kick-ass' attitude and kick-ass my way through.  So what better way to start than a punk-ish-rock-ish like hair style.  I almost chose blue because I am a blue-blooded-progressive to the max, but I decided to go with purple for a couple of reasons.  Purple is the color for #LupusAwareness as well as #CancerAwareness.  Seeing as I have both, purple was the obvious choice =)  The girls and I had a great time today at the salon.  Caitlyn got one purple streak added to her hair to support me.  She looks rather kick-ass if I do say so myself.  Brooke's school won't allow purple, otherwise she would be sporting some fun too.  It's only hair, so why not?  I actually wasn't so sad about the losing the hair thing, for some reason it wasn't bothering me....but now that I have these purple luscious locks, I'm going to be sad to see them go. <tear>
Next step: Sarcoma oncologist this week and the beginning of my first round of chemo.  So kick-ass is in full effect, ready to KICK.THIS.IN.THE.ASS!!

BLUE HAIR!!

Well, seems I can't really have a week go by without something coming up.  I remember when I used to have such a simple life....no worries....everyone healthy....happy.....yada fucking yada. Seems like forever ago.
So one week after my home was burglarized I started having this sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Wait.....let me back up...  About a month or so ago, I noticed a small lump in that area...told myself it must be a fat pocket or something. Didn't think twice about it..a couple of weeks later I noticed it kind of bothered me when I would wear jeans...again, told myself it was nothing...told myself I was not about to go to the doctor so they could find something else wrong with me....it's a fat pocket Rachel, its a fat pocket.
Fast forward....sharp stabbing pain...got out of the truck and felt like something was ripping on the inside...ugh. This can't be happening...Can I please just not have this be happening to me is what I was thinking.
It was happening...I texted Robert and said "you're gonna be pissed (he was coming home from work I think). He says why? I said...I think ima have to make a trip to the ER. Whatttttttttt he says? Yup. Pain is not getting any better, only worse.
So long story short, I get to the ER, they scanned it, and sure enough it was something.  ER doc says she thought it might be a hernia but was consulting with the surgeon. So they fill me up with pain meds (the good kind...i was in la la la land) because it was REALLY hurting me at this time....the next thing I know I am headed to surgery.  Turns out I had a "mass" in my abdomen that was causing my hernia....So they removed the mass, fixed the hernia, and left me with a 7 inch scar.  My surgeon was awesome in every way except for the fact he refused my under the table offer in exchange for a tummy-tuck.  I mean hell, he was ALREADY going to be down there, why not???
Fast forward again....Wound got infected...Lupus is a bitch. It always gets in the way....refuses to let me heal the way I need to.  More antibiotics and infection is getting better.
So...I return to the doc for my checkup and he says we need to review the pathology reports. Huh? Why? Pathology....no. no. no.
Yes. Yes. Yes. That "mass" was a malignant tumor. No shit. NO FUCKING SHIT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Good news: He removed the entire tumor and took biopsies of the tissue surrounding it.  The tumor was malignant, the tissue around it was not. YAY ME.....
Not so fast. So now I have to see an oncologist and get scanned from head to toe to see if I have any of these fucking bastard tumors floating around anywhere else. The oncologist will determine if chemo/radiation will be needed.

So. I have decided that I will kick this thing in the ass. Whatever this thing is, it will be kicked in the ass. If by chance I have to lose my hair in the process, I will be sporting punk rock electric blue locks before it falls out. That's right bitches, I'm going for the blue......

I will WILL WILL be okay. I know this. It is not an option. #thinkingpositive #notgoinganywhereanytimesoon

So here I go again....down a little winding road that will make me stronger just like the last 2435734892745 winding roads I have went down.

I wonder if that oncologist will do a tummy tuck under the table.....