Who am I?

I haven't blogged in a while and thought I would sit down and see what happens.  So much has gone on, but tonight I am in a particularly rare mood.  Can't really explain it.  I make mistakes and I learn from them and that is something I am proud of....the learning part.  What I struggle with is forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made.  Moving forward is hard for me.  So much weighs on my mind that I never talk about.  So many regrets and I am extremely hard on myself. I know I am not perfect and I will always make mistakes, after all, I am human.  The mistakes I make seem to effect the people I love the most directly.  People are able to forgive me, but I can't seem to forgive myself.  I am a deeply emotional person and I wish I weren't.
Even though I might be having a fabulous day on the outside, I am usually crying on the inside.  Not always, but too often.  I hate to call me a fake person because I am as real as real gets, but I just choose to hide my inner emotions and not let the world see.  My mind is constantly going.  I can't seem to stop it.  I think about what I did wrong last week, last month, last year, and so on.  Why is this?  Why can't I let things go?  Why am I so hard on myself? I hate hurting people and I know I have hurt people in my life.  All who I am deeply sorry to and they seem to forgive me, but I am unable to forgive myself and move on.  It's not healthy and it gives me a huge amount of anxiety.  The pressure I put on myself is ridiculous.
So how do I fix me?  It seems like I am able to fix other people, even inspire some.....but I can't fix myself.  Maybe I am not meant to be fixed, maybe just maybe, this is the way I am supposed to be.  Unfixable.  
I have been writing a memoir and I am hoping getting everything out will somehow be therapeutic for me....who knows.  Can't even tell you how many therapist I have seen and I end up faking my way to "all better now".  Not on purpose, but it just happens.
All I want in life is, of course, my children to be happy and healthy, and to someday be truly happy with myself.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life, I am just unhappy with myself.....if that makes any sense at all.
I feel like I have failed me.....with all my health issues.....with all my emotional baggage....with all my mistakes.....I feel as though I have failed my spirit.


Tomorrow is a new day....who knows?  Maybe I will figure me out.

Unauthorized use of motorized vehicle *blonde moment*

So......I went for a little grocery shopping trip and ended it with a great laugh.  I finished shopping and strolled on out to my car.  Tried to pop the trunk but it wasn't working.  I have been having battery issues with the remote lock button and well....just haven't bothered to fix it.  It has been going on since Tonya was in town, so needless to say, I need to get it fixed.  Anyhow, I opened "my" car door and manually pop the trunk.  Trunk opens and low and behold my trunk is magically cleaned.  I assume my husband has surprised me and cleaned out my trunk....it wasn't majorly messy to begin with but had some craft stuff in there.  


So I unload my groceries and then get into the car and try to start it.  I was like WTH?? NOW what is wrong with my car????  So I get out and there is this little elderly gentleman asking me to help him find his car.  I said sure hun, what does it look like?  He states it looks just like mine, same body, same color.  WaaaaaaaaHAT??? Then it hit me, I was in this mans CAR!!!!!


So after trying to explain to him how dingy I was...and I was so sorry.....I took my groceries out of HIS trunk and loaded his groceries in there for him......into HIS CAR!!!!!!


Then I looked one row over and low and behold I found my car.  I suggested to the man he might want to start locking his door.  He asked with a puzzled look why?  I said because the next time someone might not be mistaking it for their own, they might try to be making it their own!!!!


I left and I still don't think the man knew what was going on.  He was totally confused and I felt so bad, but I have to laugh at myself.  You know I blame it on Shelby (my blonde wig).  I was obviously having a blonde moment!


PEACE, LOVE, AND CARS!


Rach


xoxoxoxo

New Hair!

So today I went to the Women's Health Boutique to get my radical-reddish-wig trimmed up and styled.  While I was there, this blonde bimbo was talking to me.  She was saying....buy me buy me.....She was just a head and her body was to be imagined, but I thought she was gorgeous.  Her name was Shelby and Shelby wanted me to have her in a major way.  Shelby was even 30% off.....(signs signs, everywhere there are signs).  Shelby kept chanting to me and finally I tried her on.  I was in mad love with Shelby.  I told her if I bought her, I would still be a brunette at heart and she can't by any means take my brains away from me.  Shelby promised she would be just for fun and would leave my intellect in tact!  So it was a done deal!  Today, I am Shelby!! I LOVE SHELBY!!!! She makes me feel tan and free-spirited!! So YAY!!!!!


Love,
Shelby

Bladder #FAIL

So, there are two ways of me looking at this issues.


1)  I suck at being healthy
2)  I suck at being healthy


Okay, that was supposed to be funny, but semi-true as of this past year.  Last month I had the wonderful privilege (snark) of having a hysterectomy.  I was becoming accustomed to the fact that hot flashes and hormonal surges were now a part of my everyday life, but I wasn't accepting my bladder that kept failing me.  I won't go into the pissy details, but let's just say my days are more than the average "pissy".


I went to my urologist today and he told me that more than likely my bladder was damaged during my hysterectomy surgery.  GaaaaaaaaaaREAT!  It could be interstitial cystitis, but given my recent surgery and the symptoms, my bladder appears to be damaged.  I don't like damaged.  I don't want damaged.  I want HEALTHY and thats that.


Good news...it is fixable.  So next week, I will go in "to get fixed".  Then the week after that, I will see if my broken elbow will need surgery.


I don't like surgery, I can't stand it really.  One would never know if they looked at my medical records because I have had more the past year than most people have in a life time.  I am over it.


Yes, I am having a poor poor pitiful me moment.  But I am allowed to do that.  This is my blog, if you don't fucking like it, then stop reading it.
(Last comment directed to someone in particular, he knows who he is)


Anyhow....I just needed to get that out.  Why?  I am not sure.  But I just did.
So now I am going to sit down and enjoy a movie with my husband.  Despite what some people think, I really enjoy the simple things in life and can't wait until my life gets back to "simple" again!  simple=healthy


Thanks for all my blog readers who appreciate me and my thoughts.  I have had a recent complainer who tried to bring me down, and I almost let him for a brief 10 minutes or so.  Then I realized, this is my life.  I own me.  Nobody can deny my thoughts to myself.  I happen to love me, just the way I am! (minus pissy bladder).
xoxoxoxo

*Crash*Boom*Bang* 100 MONKEYS

On Friday, Caitlyn , my good friend Jennifer 

and her daughter Ashlynn headed out to see 100 Monkeys perform!  If you have never heard them, you are missing out!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDWxJMhKRzo They are a unique rockish-bluesyish band who are just fun to watch and have a great sound!  
Before the concert we took the girls to Hard Rock Cafe and had dinner and some fun!  It was a great start to the night.  Then we headed to House of Blues and listened to the bands before the headliner.  We were able to people watch, which is always fun. lol

So 100 Monkeys starts and they were awesome!  Jenn and Ashlynn had never seen them so they were quite impressed!  And in awe of Jackson Rathbone (Jasper Cullen from Twilight).  He is the lead singer and he is H A W T!!!!!! And baby, he can sing, dance, entertain, he can do it ALL!!!!

Right before the show ended I went to the merch table and asked if they would be signing autographs after the show, the answer was yes, right there at the merch table...
So I went and got the girls, we headed to the merch table, bought some shirts and pulled out our pictures of the band and of Jackson that my husband had printed out for us.  Sure enough, after the show, here came the monkeys!!!! The were so gracious and happy to sign everything we had!  We were ecstatic!!!

After the concert Jenn and I took off our sexy shoes and went shoeless for the (long) walk back to the car.  No big deal, we agreed we would just soak our feet in bleach water to remove the nastiness from the street we were picking up.  Jenn was talking to me and apparently I can't walk and listen at the same time and I tripped, flew a few feet in the air (I kept telling myself I wasn't going to fall, I wasn't going to fall, I was NOT GOING TO FALL) then coming down from the air I realized I. WAS. GOING. TO. FALL.
That is exactly what I did.  Landed on my right elbow and just laid in the street.  Jenn, Caitlyn, and Ashlynn were so scared, all came running to my side.  I just laid there and said give me just a minute.  Caitlyn was so helpful (they all were) and she helped me up.  I said I was okay, then realized I was dripping blood.  I pretty much had a chunk hanging from my elbow.  So I wrapped it up in a handkerchief (I just so happened to have in my purse) and we went on our way.
That morning when we got home around 1:30 or so, poor Robert had to hear the usual "I think I need to go to the ER"....his response was "What now".  So I just showed him.  Then I decided to wait a few hours until the pain was unbearable.  Robert had to take Caitlyn to the airport so I had to drive myself to the ER.  Oh yeh, that was some fun. Ummm huh....
Long story short and 5 stitches and a broken elbow later, all is okay.  

I am in a soft cast so I am able to take it off and clean the sutures.  In two weeks I will be suture free and in a new cast.  Hopefully it heals on it's own just fine and no surgery will be needed.  I am all surgery-out for the year.  Seriously.
Now, someone please remove this bad Karma and give it to someone else.  I am over it!

To write or To not write?

I went to lunch with a friend today.....we have known each other for about 12 years.  She suggested I write a book.  She is not the first person to throw this idea at me.  I asked now why would I write a book?  She said Rachel, your life has been a mixture of ups and downs, twist and turns, and you are a great writer.  She is write about the first part, I don't know about the second.  We started talking about all the obstacles I have had and what I have overcome in the past several years.  Things I won't talk about here, but just know I have had my share of troubles....things people thought I would never conquer, I have managed to come out okay.  I have joked about writing a book before but here lately I have thought about it more seriously.  So when she mentioned it today, it was kind of ironic.  So to write or not to write.  Where would I start?  What kind of book? I think I will start with jotting down some topics and narrow it down.  Did I just say that?  Why yes, yes I did.  If my life experiences could help some one it would be worth it.  Maybe it would be a self discovery thing for me.  
So that's it for me....deciding whether I should write or not.  Any suggestions?

Seriously??????

If someone would please explain why I am up at 2:30am I would be forever grateful.  I mean seriously, I love to sleep.  I want to sleep.  I want to BE ASLEEP.  Ever since I had this lovely hysterectomy and receive these lovely hot flashes, my sleep schedule is totally fucked up.  I HATE INSOMNIA and that is exactly what I have.  Yes I am a nurse, but I have no idea what is going on with my own body right now.  It is like a monster has taken over and kidnapped me.  My inner being has been abducted and I am left with this shell of a stranger.
There is only so much Big Brother After Dark I can watch.....there is only so much ID channel I can watch.....there is only so many sheep I can count or Twitter birds, or whatever....chirp chirp chirp
So I sit in my living room and watch George Lopez....and listen to the fish tank....and not sleep......
Someone just tweeted me and said I should play a game of reverse psychology with myself and tell myself I am going to stay up all night.
Honey, I have had my share of all nighters, I don't want any, anymore.  I want to sleep.........
I think I will write my cousin a letter.  Yes, this is what I shall do.  I will be productive while I am wide awake (still wanting to sleep).......These hormone replacement pills are a fucking joke.  S E R I O U S L Y.
Peace Out!
Rach

Week 1 *win*

Well, it's been a week and I have survived.  No one told me how much I would miss my little ole ovaries.  Kind of wish someone would have warned me.  Not trying to whine or complain, but I MISS MY FUCKING OVARIES!!!!  At 36 years old, hot flashes were not something I thought about.  But here they are, kicking my ass into wet pillow cases every night.  Seriously....people turn over their pillows in the middle of the night to get to the "cold" side, well, I turn mine over to get to the "dry" side. 
Shall we discuss the crying spells? Yes, let's talk about these.  Crying for no apparent reason happens frequently.  Me questioning my every decision happens dozens of times a day.  It gets pretty annoying, but I am managing it better as each day passes.  The other day I started crying because I thought *what if my daughters can't carry a baby, then I am not going to be able to carry it for them*
Now who the hell thinks of that?  A post-hysterectomy patient does.
---------THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR----------
My three beautiful children.  I am so thankful and blessed for them.  I started off early having my babies and everything happens for a reason.  So that's a plus, right? 
As I recover, slowly but surely, I am so thankful for my friends and specifically Tonya.  I couldn't do this without her.  She has totally taken over mommy duty with my children.  I can't drive so she takes them where they need or want to go and takes Clayton to his school everyday.  I don't know what I would do without her help.  She has been amazing.  Her presence just makes me feel better.
I am thankful for my life.  The good, the bad, the ugly.....I am thankful to be alive and well (almost).  I will never take another second for granted.  Will never take another friend or family member for granted.  I will enjoy my life, just the way it is =)
Thanks for being a blog reader!  Leave comments, me likey!

Life without Ovaries

Surgery was successful! YA!!  My doctor was initially going in to remove my uterus and tubes, but once inside there realized the ovaries were a no-go.  Had to come out.  They were covered in growths and cyst and had to be removed.  Let's just say I miss them already.  I have had about a dozen hot-flashes that are complete with the weirdest feeling in the world.  I can be perfectly fine temperature wise and next thing I know, I am covered in sweat, mostly my head and fast.  Just as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on top of my head. NICE......not really.
Doc put me on estrogen and is more than likely going to have to increase the dosage.  I am not ready for menopause, but here I go anyway......
The plus side?  I am alive and going to be great!  All the crap that didn't belong in me is all out.  Thankfully, there is that!  My kids, family, and friends have been the best!  Everyone has been so helpful!  THank you to all of you, you know who you are.  Extra special thanks to my bff/sis Tonya who has taken 3 weeks out of her life to help me recover.  She has been awesome!  Thanks to my friend Chuck who took us out the other night before surgery and celebrated life with us.  We had a great time!
Life is sore, but life is great!  After I am all better, I will be looking for a job.  Yup, I said it. A JOB!!! I can NOT wait to get back to work, looking forward to it in a huge way!
Thank you to all my family and friends who have given me so much support and love throughout this entire ordeal.  I love you all, all of you!
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Overload!

So much going on, brain is on overload!  Been down lately, not that any of you know because I don't really like to talk about it.  I can hide things real well, which is probably not a good thing.  I have had several little breakdowns, just an overwhelming feeling comes all over me.  I am certainly not blaming my son, but his terror fits trigger my walking near the edge of a cliff.  I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to fix him.  With my girls, when they cried, I fixed it.  When they threw a fit, I handled it,  with my son, everything is so different......it seems I can never fix it.
okay.....enough of that.  I am calling my doc tomorrow to get ME fixed.  Depression is a bitch, and this bitch can't deal with it anymore.  There has got to be something out there that can help me before I check myself in.....not literally, well.....maybe =)
I just want my old life back.  Before it became so overwhelming with life's problems.  I admit, I can create problems of my own and I do that a lot.....but it has got to end.  The madness in our life has got to come to a stop (quick).
This week I am taking the kids to Moody Gardens, should be lots of fun or it might be a total nightmare. All depends on how Clayton reacts to the environment, it might be way too much for him.  But we are going to at least try.
In one week my bff will be back in town to help me with my surgery next week.  I can't tell you how bad I need to see her and just can't wait until she gets here!
Gotta get for now....................
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Bucket List #1=CHECK NKOTB SCORE!!

Where do I start?  I was a blockhead way back in the day......and once a blockhead, ALWAYS a blockhead.  My room was covered with NKOTB pix, I had the sheets, the pillows, the CD'S, ect ect....I had it all.....saw every concert......let's just say I was a HUGE NKOTB fan.  I was a Danny girl with a splash of Donnie on the side.
So......I found out on June 25th, dreams do come true!  My girlfriends Autumn and Melissa paid my way to 4th row of their concert.  It was A-FUCKING-MAZING!!!! Our friend Vicky from Toronto knows Donnie (very well)....she texted him and told him my story.  But sadly, no response.  She texted him 4 times, no response.  I was okay with this because I was just happy to be out with my friends and excited to see them in concert.
After the concert we decided to drive around and wait at their tour bus area.  Then we spotted Johnny......Donnie's assistant.  Johnny was riding around on Donnie's scooter.  Too cute.  So I said what the hell, I only live once, and decided I was going to talk to Johnny and see what was up.  Luckily, Johnny is super cool and stopped to talk to me.  I told him about Vicky and he knew exactly who she was.  He told me he was on his way to talk to Donnie, to hold tight.  Johnny said when I see Donnie's silver tour bus pull out, to not make a scene and walk over to it.  That is just what I did.  Johnny hopped out, saw me, asked me to give him a second and walked back in the tour bus.  My knee's started shaking.  I was thinking, is this really happening??? IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING???

Well.....it really happened.....Johnny opens up the bus door and said come on in Rachel. So with my knee's trembling, I climb up the stairs.  There they were, both Donnie and Danny. SAYYYYYYYYYY WHHHHHHHHHHHAT????? Both of my men were standing right before my eyes.  I said hey guys, Donnie grabbed me, hugged me, and said "YOU ARE GOING TO BEAT THIS"  I said FUCK YES I AM!!!! He said You kick that cancer's ass Rachel... I told him funny you should say that, bc that is exactly what I say on Twitter all the time #kickingcancersass.

So I set down, played with his dog, chatted a while, and well, my dream came true!!!  We took pix, gave hugs, then he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast, so off to the waffle house we went!  

That is really all I can say......we exchanged info and numbers and I think I am somewhere still lost in the clouds.  It was one of the best nights of my life!

Missing my Dad

No matter what I did, he always understood me.  He would be my support for anything.  As I go down this journey in my life, I miss him most.  I can't imagine what he would have said or did.....but I just know I miss him.

Today my mom called and I could tell she had been crying.  I asked what was going on and she said she came across Dad's journal....the one he kept from the time he was diagnosed until the time he had his brain surgery and  couldn't write anymore.  There were not too many entries, but my name was mentioned most. I asked her if I could read it.  She said certainly and then told me Dad would want me to have it.  Needless to say, I hauled butt to my moms house to retrieve it.
When I got in my car, "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy was playing.  What a PERFECT song to hear.  I cried all the way to mom's listening to it.  http://youtube/qWuBS1HmI3M
I got to Mom's and we hugged for a long period.  Then she gave me the journal.  I sat down and read it, crying the entire time.  He often referred to me as "Rachel, the ever so faithful Rachel".  I tried to be.  I wanted to be.  I wanted to be by his side every second as he battled that demon of glioblastoma.  I am glad he felt I was.  It makes my heart smile.  I know he would be right beside me as I battle this demon.  I know he is on my shoulder lifting me up as I slowly recover from what the devil tried to take of me.  I know I will be back to myself again and healthy.  For my dad and everyone else.
I love you Dad, this recovery is for  my family, my friends, and YOU!

Update: Life, Love, Family, Friends, KickingCancersAss

So much has happened within the past week, I thought it was time for an update. On Tuesday, I was told by my doctor to visit the nearest ER, and do it fast.  I was having a lot of pain and in my lower abdomen and bleeding.  So my mother took me to the nearest emergency room (that my insurance approved) and off we went.....
They did an ultrasound and said everything looked okay, to follow up with my gynecologist.  I knew I wasn't "okay".  I know my body, and just knew something was not right.  I immediately asked for a copy of the ultrasound report and a copy of my labs.  You would have thought I was asking for President Obama's birth certificate.  The nurse looked at me like I was crazy, but finally, she complied.
Walking slowly to the car I said to my mom: "WHAT THE HELL"  "THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THESE LABS OR THE ULTRASOUND REPORT!!!"  I am not kidding, nearly 1/2 of the labs were "abnormal" and the ultrasound reported I had multiple growths on both of my ovaries and as well as my uterus.  I get into the car, it was about 4:45pm, called my gyno, spoke to the nurse and she was speechless.  She said my doctor was in surgery the following day, but made me an appointment for Thursday.
So I was there at 9am and she examined me, did another ultrasound, then took a biopsy of my endometrium, and shook her head at the reports I showed her.  She said "you are a mess inside your abdomen", we need to take care of this soon.  She recommended a total hysterectomy, but hated to take away both of my ovaries because it would immediately throw me into menopause.  I said if it means getting rid of this pain, and possibly saving my life, I am for it.  She said that was the best decision.  I can take hormones to make up for the lost ovaries.  
This can be one of two things, because the malignant tumor that was removed back in January was close to this area, it might have spread.  OR, it can be not related at all, and I could just be having "female issues".  Regardless, the growths were present and need to be removed.
I am not going to pretend I am not scared, because I am very scared.  It is yet, another major surgery and setback.  Recovery time for this is 6 weeks.  Yay me. NOT. NOT. NOT.  But each day my spirits are picking back up.  I am so thankful that I had my children at a young age and I just can't say enough how grateful I am for all three of them.  They are my life, and I just want to be here for them, as long as possible.....to see my grandchildren would be even better.
The earliest the surgery can be performed is July 13th.  Sounds far away, but not really.  My mom will be here for the day of the surgery, but she had a planned trip to Las Vegas, that she "can't" cancel.  Thankfully, I have my mother in law that will help out with the kiddo's and I have my amazing friend Tonya who is putting her life on hold to come fly out for 2-3 weeks to help me out.  I couldn't do this without Tonya being here or the support she has given me.  It has filled my heart and given me strength I didn't know I had.  I have so many friend who have helped me....Autumn, Mary, Becky, Melissa, Jennifer, Robin, Paula, Dan, Alice, and the list goes on, especially with my awesome Twitter family who is daily supporting and encouraging me.  I seriously, would not have the strength and positive attitude that I do, without these folks.  All are AMAZING!!!
So that is the latest update.  Still taking my meds and I believe I am going to get this once and for all.  I will come out stronger and a more appreciative person because of all of this.  I will be fine.  I know this.  There is no other option, but to be healthy again.  To be able to be the mom I used to be and be there for my kids in ways that I can't right now.  I want that more than anything.  I just want to be strong again.  I just want to live.  Enjoy life and my family.  And to love.....all of you!  In which I do!
Thank you all, so much for the continued love, support, and prayers!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
xoxoxoxo
Rach

Update on meh life

So much going on, so much to say.


First....I love all of you, all of my friends and family that have stuck by my side and continue to support me, my heart is filled because of you.
I have been on my chemo for one full week now.  The first few days were not so bad, today I just took my chemo so I have about an hour le-way to write you this.  I start getting extremely dizzy and nauseate.  Sleep is my best friend!  
To change the subject.....we had our home burglarized in January and recovered from it.  Well, yesterday morning my 12 yr old was going out getting ready to go to school (her best friends mom takes her every day) and she noticed her daddy's window broken out in his truck.  Awful.  I wish she didn't have to see that.  The feeling of not being safe in your own home is the worst feeling.  I hate that she had to see that.  We are coping.  We found out that over a dozen vehicles were in in our neighborhood.  Sad little thugs can't get a job so they steal from hard-working Americans.....So sadly we are moving forward and extra security at the house, once again.


Thank you again friends!  I have five more weeks of hell, but I am looking forward to whipping this thing in the ass more than ever!  I am strong and not giving up!
Love you, will write later!


xoxoxoxo
Rach

New Week, New Plan

So as this week begins I am having a slight amount of anxiety for what is ahead of me.  Chemo, more chemo. If I said I was surprised, I would be lying.  I had a feeling.  My leg has been giving me some pain and I wake up frequently with charlie-horses at night.  I just had a feeling my leg lesions had grown.  Sure enough, they have.
So I will be on a new chemo regimen that is considered a trial because it is used to primarily treat leukemia patients and is new (kind of) to treat leiomyosarcoma patients.  Very strong drug with just about every side effect imaginable.  I am okay with this, I have come to terms with it.  I will take chemo every day of my life, if it means being here to be a mother to my children.  I will not let go.  Not now, I am just not ready.  Is that selfish? Some say it is, but that doesn't bother me anymore.  People can say whatever they want to say, but until they have been in my shoes, they need to keep the negative to themselves.  I have been surrounding myself with all things good.  No time for people who bring me down, even if not intentionally.  You would not believe the comments I have heard lately....Here are a couple of examples:

"With your medical condition, you might not do that, you don't know if you will be here this time next year."
"Well, the statistics aren't good, I am just trying to be realistic."
"You probably won't be here next year, so we need to do it sooner rather than later"

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I AM DYING?

I mean SERIOUSLY!!! WTF!!!! I refuse to live my life as if I am dying.  I live my life for each day and I consider myself blessed to be here and have the amazing life I have.  I will not look into my future and see nothing.  I will continue to look into my future and see my children graduate high school, then college, then get married, or whatever it is they want to do.  I see myself as a nurse again, helping people.  I see myself happily married and enjoying every second with my soul mate.  I see myself LIVING!!!!!
So....here is the deal....if this is not what YOU see me doing, then keep your mouth shut.  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to feel it.  I want no part of it.
I have been hurt by some close family members over this "cancer-thing".  I guess maybe I expect too much....like a phone call once a week or even a text "hey, how ya doing" kind of thing.  I must be expecting too much or they just don't give a shit.  One or the other, it's whatever.  I certainly don't expect people to be calling me and checking on me everyday, but I know if it were my close family member, I would be supportive and encouraging...but that is just me...
Anyhow, I can't control others.....I can't make sense of it all.  So I will just continue to live.....life to the FULLEST!!!!!
Might I suggest something to my fabulous readers....use me as an example, use me as an excuse.  An example of how life can take a turn in a matter of minutes....as an excuse to do all the things you dream of doing, an excuse to be all it is who you are.  Dig deep....find your spirit.....find out who you REALLY are, and be that person.  From now until eternity.  Don't waste another moment feeling sorry for yourself or making excuses for why you aren't who you want to be.  OWN YOURSELF.  BE THAT PERSON YOU SEE IN YOUR FUTURE, NOW!!!!!
Don't ever take another second for granted.  I can't tell you how much time I want to spend with my family.  There aren't enough hours in the day for me to spend with them.  I have been having crying spells in which I need time alone to work through.  Then I have a sense of guilt because I could have been using that time to spend with my girls or playing with Clayton.  Just last night Caitlyn asked if she could ride with me to pick up Brooke from a birthday party, I said no babe, I'll be right back.  I had planned that car ride to get Brooke for a "let it all out and crying spell".  Then I found myself crying because I didn't let Caitlyn go.  That was 20 more minutes I could have spent with her.  I am so confused.  I enjoy my "alone" time, the minimum amount I get....I use it to think, listen to music, plan my future and sometimes just cry.  I don't want my kids to see me vulnerable or weak.  I want them to know that I am a fighter and this is not going to get me down.  Maybe that is wrong, maybe they should see my emotions....I'm not sure, this is all so new to me.  We will work through it.  We always do.  What I do know is this:  I will do anything and everything to make it out of this and I will be a changed person.  I already am.
Thank you for the love, support, and faith.  I need them all so very much!
xoxoxoxo

Rach



xoxoxoxo
Rach

3am

It's 3am and I am wide awake.  Possibly because I slept 90% of the day away, ya think? Yup, I think.  I guess I am still recovering from that chemo crap....my body is so confused and my brain, well, we won't even go there.  I had family members talking about me dying this week.  I heard it "through the grapevine".  No, really, I did.  Apparently statistically I am going to die.  Well, I say screw those statistics, because I am not going anywhere, ANY time soon.  I have way too much to live for, tons of fight in me, and well, WAY TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!

Look at just a few things that keep me going, every single second of every single day!

Me and my girls

My sweet boy Clayton

DEXTER!!!

Lookie at this OLD pic of Robert and me!

My point is.....I am alive today and that is what matters.  I promised myself I will live each day as if it is my last.  I plan on getting hit by a train before I let this cancer kill me. (did I just jinx myself) (note to self: stay away from trains)

I love my life.  I love my family. I love my friends.
Goodnight all,
Rach

#Don'tJudgeMe

So today was the day we celebrated my little wild-mans 3rd birthday.  I knew I wanted to keep it low key as he doesn't do so well with a large and loud atmosphere....his social skills are not near where they should be. #autism
So I invited my closest friends and about 20 or so family members.  We have a HUGE family, so 20 is nothing and I am sure I hurt some feelings over this, BUT.....I have to do what is best for Clayton.  After all, it was HIS birthday and today was about him! I decided that the weather man would just have to work with me here because i wanted it to be outside, with his new playground/swing-set and some water fun.
I went out and bought a cool hippo pool with a slide and then a smaller wading pool. The kiddos had SO much fun!
Since I have had this tumor removed and the doctor indicated it was more than likely part of the leiomyosarcoma, I have been a bit down.  Just thinking like any mother would all the what ifs. "what if I didn't see my daughter turn 16? What if I didn't see Clayton's 4th birthday, what if my middle child needs my like she always does to lean on, and I am not here."
So I made a decision to skip chemo Saturday night.  Yup. That is right.  I didn't take it.  If I HAD of taken it, I would have been stuck inside all day and not be able to enjoy my son and see him so happy, throwing up profusely, and it would have thrown me into a pitty party depression, which I refuse to let myself get there.  So I said fuck it. And skipped it.  So instead of Monday ending my treatments, it will now be Tuesday.
Before getting ready for the party, I decided it was time to liven up the place. IT'S SPRING! I WANT FLOWERS!  So I did it, and lots of them...the certainly don't look like a professional did them, but it was almost therapeutic in a a way....very relaxing.... Here are some photos of my back yard....The flowers are fresh and on SALE.... and the little stepping stones came from the $1 Store. Can you believe that? They were SO cute! I mean....it was obviously to me that I need a  Spring makeover on my flowerbeds. Just so obvious. I love working in my yard. LOVE the flowers, the humming birds, the every changing growth

' 

So there ya see.....I spent most of last evening doing my thang...my hobby I guess (when I have the time).  Since I have been sick, I haven't been able to do anything.  It is getting old and on my last friggin nerve actually.  That isn't saying i am giving up by any means....bc I will take chemo every day of my life if I have to,  for my children's sake.  THEY are who make me stronger, make me fight harder.  It made me so happy to be able to do it.  To liven up things for the party and make my backyard somewhat pretty again.

Then there is a but.....a big but....

All the guest kept saying wow, rachel looks good today compared to othere days.  Is her chemo over yet?  When someone asked my mom that, a big loud bell when off in her ear and I felt like I was 10 again.  Finally I said something like this.....Mom, as hard as I fight, and I do and will always fight like hell, you and I know both know that this cancer is hard to cure.  My little wild-man deserved a great party ( he has been through hell and back with all these autism doctors, lab work, new OT and ST thereapist, ect...ect.......I wanted him to have a GREAT day.  A great day would not have occured with mommy puking all day and laying in bed.  So Mom, I am almost 36 years old.  I know you say those things because you love me.  Well, I chose to not take chemo for one night because I love my kids.  This COULD be my last birthday party with one of them, and I sure as HELL WAS NOT GOING TO MISS IT!  I wanted to be able to walk outside and enjoy him in his excitement.  So that is what I just did.  And I wouldn't take it back if I could.  It was worth it. (just one day, gonna make it up on Tuesday, so there).

More pics of Clayton's party.  He truly enjoyed himself, which in turn, I ENJOYED MYSELF IMMENSELY!!!

SO....GREAT day overall....I am extremely tired, but I got to do something I haven't done in a while, and that was be a mommy and do mommy things....Prepare for the party, gave my old hobby some dusting off, and enjoying the day with my family.  Well worth it.  So now, it's back to business.  Chemo Time!!! I've got this.  I WILL KICK CANCERS ASS. FO SHO!!!!

Here is a small video clip of Clayton and his cousin in one of the pools I got for the kids to play in.  They had SO much fun!

I hope everyone has a great night, and please know this friends: Just because I had a one day break, doesn't mean I won't win.  Winning this is the only option.  Losing isn't even a consideration. I. WILL. WIN. THIS. BATTLE!!!

I love all of you and thanks again, for all of the support! Means SOOOOOO MUCH to me!!

Love, 

RachelPoPachel

or

Rachel

or Rach

WARNING: AMBIEN INDUCED Bloggy

So all this time I have been sleeping like Rip Van Wrinkle, last night I had a horrible night...thoughts running through my head that had no business there....cremation or burial. (cremation, btw).  I want lots of different music played, uplifting....so that will be Tonya's gift to me.  Yes, it's tacky as hell, but I want Tonya to help plan my funeral.   And last night, I had it planned down to what I would be wearing to the crematory.  What I wanted my kids to wear.  How I wanted purple (for cancer) and blue (for progressive) bows everywhere.  Man, my mind was on a roll....and not a good roll.
So after I woke up after the minimal sleep I received the first thing I thought of was FUCKKKKK THAT! No more of that crap.   I don't care what the doctors say, or what this piece of shit google device indicates, I WILL BEAT THIS DAMN CANCER!!! I might end up dying in a few years, but it will NOT be from CANCER....It will be from me living my life to the fullest and a freak accident or something.....maybe falling off a plane while skydiving before putting my shoot on....or maybe it will be a shark attack while snorkeling naked in Hawaii....It just might be riding 100 mph on the back of a bike having the time of my life.....but I will tell you what it won't be....it won't be cancer. Cuz I just know it won't.  I'm good like that.  Knowing the unknown is my specialty.  I just don't like to share that news with just anyone, I might get adult-napped and then never have the dance to swim naked with the sharks.=}  I should probably take advantage of this ambien and go night night. but then again, I will be sleeping all day again, so whats my rush russia? well, my rush is this: My eyes are falling shut. Typing with one eye open here.  
But I had to blog, just had to.  Had to tell all my friends and family that I am doing okay and tomorrow will be a new day. Oh....and I love you. Each and every one of you freaks and non-freaks. I mean that too. I ain't bull-crapping ya, its fo realzzz-sickle


g'night my loves


Rach

lots to say, but not a lot of energy to say it

Dear friends,

Thank you so very much for all your love and support, couldn't do this without all of you.  I have a small favor to ask.   My dear friend Paula is participating in www.stbaldricks.org she will be shaving her head in my honor as well as all cancer fighters to raise money for cancer research.  It's a wonderful cause, and well, I especially want her to reach her goal and hopefully double it.  Paula is a wonderful friend and I am so overwhelmed she is doing this for me.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help....only takes a few minutes to donate!  Her name is Paula Salazar, just click on the link above.
My 10 days of no chemo comes to an end tomorrow, I basically slept more than 1/2 of the time.  I am so not looking forward to starting it back up again, but I'll make it.  Oh how I do not look forward to that burning pain.....I tell myself the worse I feel, the better it is working....
Love you all so much, will write more later, so tired right now.

xoxoxoxo
Rach

Chemo-Day 5 *Where's My Miracle?*

So I have survived 1/2 of my first round. Barely. I can't keep my eyes open, sooooo tired, my body hates me, and well, MY BODY FUCKING HATES ME. I can't really describe the feeling.  Pain all over my insides.  Like a burning pain.  I have perfected the puke-technique.  I am a pro-puker, to say the least.  I feel it coming, manage to make it to the porcelain god, and not leave any trace of my existence.  *Yay Me* I have no appetite and what I do eat comes right back up.  So you would think that I would be looking Paris-Hilton-ish by now. Wrong.  I have the steroids to thank for leaving my face Tom-Arnold-ish.
Wa Waaaa Wa.  What a crybaby I have become. Complainer. Bitcher. Annoyer. Ect'er
On the good side, I am alive.  Alive and well. Okay maybe not the well part, but I am alive.  That is all that matters at this point. for the next 55 days, my life will be like this, so I better get used to it.
I just want to live. I just want to be a mom to my kids. I just want to be healthy again, someday.  All those things I used to take for granite, I will cherish them for the rest of my life.
So far I still have the purple locks.  My hair is still here.  I know that won't be for long.  Chances of me not losing it are slim to none.  I am okay with this.  I think.  The only thing I worry about is my children looking at me and seeing a "sick" mommy.  The bald head would be a sure indicator of a "sick" mommy.  I can put on a happy face now, somewhat....but the baldness is a tale-tale sign of the C-word.
FUCK I HATE THIS!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR. AT ALL.
My aunt told me this morning: Rach, God owes our family a miracle, and I am asking him for one now.  It's time our family gets some good news.
This made me cry.  Our family HAS been through so many tragedies, I don't want to be another one of them.  I want to live. I want this miracle.  Call me selfish, but I do.

Purple-ish locks and still smiling

Well, I did it. It's all about the purple!
After being diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma and coming to grips with the whole "I HAVE CANCER"thing, I've decided I have two choices. To either 'poor poor pitiful me' my way through or have a 'kick-ass' attitude and kick-ass my way through.  So what better way to start than a punk-ish-rock-ish like hair style.  I almost chose blue because I am a blue-blooded-progressive to the max, but I decided to go with purple for a couple of reasons.  Purple is the color for #LupusAwareness as well as #CancerAwareness.  Seeing as I have both, purple was the obvious choice =)  The girls and I had a great time today at the salon.  Caitlyn got one purple streak added to her hair to support me.  She looks rather kick-ass if I do say so myself.  Brooke's school won't allow purple, otherwise she would be sporting some fun too.  It's only hair, so why not?  I actually wasn't so sad about the losing the hair thing, for some reason it wasn't bothering me....but now that I have these purple luscious locks, I'm going to be sad to see them go. <tear>
Next step: Sarcoma oncologist this week and the beginning of my first round of chemo.  So kick-ass is in full effect, ready to KICK.THIS.IN.THE.ASS!!

BLUE HAIR!!

Well, seems I can't really have a week go by without something coming up.  I remember when I used to have such a simple life....no worries....everyone healthy....happy.....yada fucking yada. Seems like forever ago.
So one week after my home was burglarized I started having this sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen. Wait.....let me back up...  About a month or so ago, I noticed a small lump in that area...told myself it must be a fat pocket or something. Didn't think twice about it..a couple of weeks later I noticed it kind of bothered me when I would wear jeans...again, told myself it was nothing...told myself I was not about to go to the doctor so they could find something else wrong with me....it's a fat pocket Rachel, its a fat pocket.
Fast forward....sharp stabbing pain...got out of the truck and felt like something was ripping on the inside...ugh. This can't be happening...Can I please just not have this be happening to me is what I was thinking.
It was happening...I texted Robert and said "you're gonna be pissed (he was coming home from work I think). He says why? I said...I think ima have to make a trip to the ER. Whatttttttttt he says? Yup. Pain is not getting any better, only worse.
So long story short, I get to the ER, they scanned it, and sure enough it was something.  ER doc says she thought it might be a hernia but was consulting with the surgeon. So they fill me up with pain meds (the good kind...i was in la la la land) because it was REALLY hurting me at this time....the next thing I know I am headed to surgery.  Turns out I had a "mass" in my abdomen that was causing my hernia....So they removed the mass, fixed the hernia, and left me with a 7 inch scar.  My surgeon was awesome in every way except for the fact he refused my under the table offer in exchange for a tummy-tuck.  I mean hell, he was ALREADY going to be down there, why not???
Fast forward again....Wound got infected...Lupus is a bitch. It always gets in the way....refuses to let me heal the way I need to.  More antibiotics and infection is getting better.
So...I return to the doc for my checkup and he says we need to review the pathology reports. Huh? Why? Pathology....no. no. no.
Yes. Yes. Yes. That "mass" was a malignant tumor. No shit. NO FUCKING SHIT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Good news: He removed the entire tumor and took biopsies of the tissue surrounding it.  The tumor was malignant, the tissue around it was not. YAY ME.....
Not so fast. So now I have to see an oncologist and get scanned from head to toe to see if I have any of these fucking bastard tumors floating around anywhere else. The oncologist will determine if chemo/radiation will be needed.

So. I have decided that I will kick this thing in the ass. Whatever this thing is, it will be kicked in the ass. If by chance I have to lose my hair in the process, I will be sporting punk rock electric blue locks before it falls out. That's right bitches, I'm going for the blue......

I will WILL WILL be okay. I know this. It is not an option. #thinkingpositive #notgoinganywhereanytimesoon

So here I go again....down a little winding road that will make me stronger just like the last 2435734892745 winding roads I have went down.

I wonder if that oncologist will do a tummy tuck under the table.....