#Don'tJudgeMe

So today was the day we celebrated my little wild-mans 3rd birthday.  I knew I wanted to keep it low key as he doesn't do so well with a large and loud atmosphere....his social skills are not near where they should be. #autism
So I invited my closest friends and about 20 or so family members.  We have a HUGE family, so 20 is nothing and I am sure I hurt some feelings over this, BUT.....I have to do what is best for Clayton.  After all, it was HIS birthday and today was about him! I decided that the weather man would just have to work with me here because i wanted it to be outside, with his new playground/swing-set and some water fun.
I went out and bought a cool hippo pool with a slide and then a smaller wading pool. The kiddos had SO much fun!
Since I have had this tumor removed and the doctor indicated it was more than likely part of the leiomyosarcoma, I have been a bit down.  Just thinking like any mother would all the what ifs. "what if I didn't see my daughter turn 16? What if I didn't see Clayton's 4th birthday, what if my middle child needs my like she always does to lean on, and I am not here."
So I made a decision to skip chemo Saturday night.  Yup. That is right.  I didn't take it.  If I HAD of taken it, I would have been stuck inside all day and not be able to enjoy my son and see him so happy, throwing up profusely, and it would have thrown me into a pitty party depression, which I refuse to let myself get there.  So I said fuck it. And skipped it.  So instead of Monday ending my treatments, it will now be Tuesday.
Before getting ready for the party, I decided it was time to liven up the place. IT'S SPRING! I WANT FLOWERS!  So I did it, and lots of them...the certainly don't look like a professional did them, but it was almost therapeutic in a a way....very relaxing.... Here are some photos of my back yard....The flowers are fresh and on SALE.... and the little stepping stones came from the $1 Store. Can you believe that? They were SO cute! I mean....it was obviously to me that I need a  Spring makeover on my flowerbeds. Just so obvious. I love working in my yard. LOVE the flowers, the humming birds, the every changing growth

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So there ya see.....I spent most of last evening doing my thang...my hobby I guess (when I have the time).  Since I have been sick, I haven't been able to do anything.  It is getting old and on my last friggin nerve actually.  That isn't saying i am giving up by any means....bc I will take chemo every day of my life if I have to,  for my children's sake.  THEY are who make me stronger, make me fight harder.  It made me so happy to be able to do it.  To liven up things for the party and make my backyard somewhat pretty again.

Then there is a but.....a big but....

All the guest kept saying wow, rachel looks good today compared to othere days.  Is her chemo over yet?  When someone asked my mom that, a big loud bell when off in her ear and I felt like I was 10 again.  Finally I said something like this.....Mom, as hard as I fight, and I do and will always fight like hell, you and I know both know that this cancer is hard to cure.  My little wild-man deserved a great party ( he has been through hell and back with all these autism doctors, lab work, new OT and ST thereapist, ect...ect.......I wanted him to have a GREAT day.  A great day would not have occured with mommy puking all day and laying in bed.  So Mom, I am almost 36 years old.  I know you say those things because you love me.  Well, I chose to not take chemo for one night because I love my kids.  This COULD be my last birthday party with one of them, and I sure as HELL WAS NOT GOING TO MISS IT!  I wanted to be able to walk outside and enjoy him in his excitement.  So that is what I just did.  And I wouldn't take it back if I could.  It was worth it. (just one day, gonna make it up on Tuesday, so there).

More pics of Clayton's party.  He truly enjoyed himself, which in turn, I ENJOYED MYSELF IMMENSELY!!!

SO....GREAT day overall....I am extremely tired, but I got to do something I haven't done in a while, and that was be a mommy and do mommy things....Prepare for the party, gave my old hobby some dusting off, and enjoying the day with my family.  Well worth it.  So now, it's back to business.  Chemo Time!!! I've got this.  I WILL KICK CANCERS ASS. FO SHO!!!!

Here is a small video clip of Clayton and his cousin in one of the pools I got for the kids to play in.  They had SO much fun!

I hope everyone has a great night, and please know this friends: Just because I had a one day break, doesn't mean I won't win.  Winning this is the only option.  Losing isn't even a consideration. I. WILL. WIN. THIS. BATTLE!!!

I love all of you and thanks again, for all of the support! Means SOOOOOO MUCH to me!!

Love, 

RachelPoPachel

or

Rachel

or Rach