I have had this feeling of incompleteness lately. As if I am running to something but the something remains a mystery. I need that something. I depend on that something and that something depends on me.....the harder I run the more I get lost.
Make sense? I know, it confuses the hell outta me too. But thats the deal and I am still trying to figure it out myself. Depression is a mutha plucka. As much as it hurts me it hurts everyone around me just as bad. I intern, take THAT hurt on and own that hurt as well. It is a worlds worth of hurt that I feel on any given day. Reason still unknown. What I do know is I am getting help and I am know longer ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it. I know I can't do it alone and I don't want to do it alone. What is "it"? It is this journey that my inner soul has decided to take without my fucking permission. It sucks actually, really sucks.
I have ALWAYS been the strong one. The keeper of the family. That one string that holds the whole fucking sock together. Yup, that was me. Now? not even close! I am buried in my own shit. Shit I don't like. Shit I want to go away but instead of going away, it is forcing me to come face to face with it and frankly dahling, I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! But I am. I am no longer running. I am face to face with this and I finally feel hopeful that I can overcome this feeling of incompleteness once I own this and move past this. I will no longer be that incomplete crazy bitch. I will just be that crazy bitch <wink>
Seriously though, I am ready to be happy. It is about damn time I take this fake fucking smile off of my face and replace it with a real one. Many changes are to follow......many, many changes. Changes that may hurt other people, but will help me in great ways....
So watch out world.....here.....I.......come......COMPLETELY!!!!
