INCOMPLETELY

I have had this feeling of incompleteness lately.  As if I am running to something but the something remains a mystery.  I need that something.  I depend on that something and that something depends on me.....the harder I run the more I get lost.

Make sense?  I know, it confuses the hell outta me too.  But thats the deal and I am still trying to figure it out myself.  Depression is a mutha plucka.  As much as it hurts me it hurts everyone around me just as bad.  I intern, take THAT hurt on and own that hurt as well.  It is a worlds worth of hurt that I feel on any given day.  Reason still unknown.  What I do know is I am getting help and I am know longer ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it.  I know I can't do it alone and I don't want to do it alone.  What is "it"? It is this journey that my inner soul has decided to take without my fucking permission.  It sucks actually, really sucks.

I have ALWAYS been the strong one.  The keeper of the family.  That one string that holds the whole fucking sock together.  Yup, that was me.  Now? not even close!  I am buried in my own shit.  Shit I don't like.  Shit I want to go away but instead of going away, it is forcing me to come face to face with it and frankly dahling, I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!  But I am.  I am no longer running.  I am face to face with this and I finally feel hopeful that I can overcome this feeling of incompleteness once I own this and move past this.  I will no longer be that incomplete crazy bitch.  I will just be that crazy bitch <wink>

Seriously though, I am ready to be happy.  It is about damn time I take this fake fucking smile off of my face and replace it with a real one.  Many changes are to follow......many, many changes.   Changes that may hurt other people, but will help me in great ways....

So watch out world.....here.....I.......come......COMPLETELY!!!!