Missing my Dad

No matter what I did, he always understood me.  He would be my support for anything.  As I go down this journey in my life, I miss him most.  I can't imagine what he would have said or did.....but I just know I miss him.

Today my mom called and I could tell she had been crying.  I asked what was going on and she said she came across Dad's journal....the one he kept from the time he was diagnosed until the time he had his brain surgery and  couldn't write anymore.  There were not too many entries, but my name was mentioned most. I asked her if I could read it.  She said certainly and then told me Dad would want me to have it.  Needless to say, I hauled butt to my moms house to retrieve it.
When I got in my car, "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy was playing.  What a PERFECT song to hear.  I cried all the way to mom's listening to it.  http://youtube/qWuBS1HmI3M
I got to Mom's and we hugged for a long period.  Then she gave me the journal.  I sat down and read it, crying the entire time.  He often referred to me as "Rachel, the ever so faithful Rachel".  I tried to be.  I wanted to be.  I wanted to be by his side every second as he battled that demon of glioblastoma.  I am glad he felt I was.  It makes my heart smile.  I know he would be right beside me as I battle this demon.  I know he is on my shoulder lifting me up as I slowly recover from what the devil tried to take of me.  I know I will be back to myself again and healthy.  For my dad and everyone else.
I love you Dad, this recovery is for  my family, my friends, and YOU!

New Week, New Plan

So as this week begins I am having a slight amount of anxiety for what is ahead of me.  Chemo, more chemo. If I said I was surprised, I would be lying.  I had a feeling.  My leg has been giving me some pain and I wake up frequently with charlie-horses at night.  I just had a feeling my leg lesions had grown.  Sure enough, they have.
So I will be on a new chemo regimen that is considered a trial because it is used to primarily treat leukemia patients and is new (kind of) to treat leiomyosarcoma patients.  Very strong drug with just about every side effect imaginable.  I am okay with this, I have come to terms with it.  I will take chemo every day of my life, if it means being here to be a mother to my children.  I will not let go.  Not now, I am just not ready.  Is that selfish? Some say it is, but that doesn't bother me anymore.  People can say whatever they want to say, but until they have been in my shoes, they need to keep the negative to themselves.  I have been surrounding myself with all things good.  No time for people who bring me down, even if not intentionally.  You would not believe the comments I have heard lately....Here are a couple of examples:

"With your medical condition, you might not do that, you don't know if you will be here this time next year."
"Well, the statistics aren't good, I am just trying to be realistic."
"You probably won't be here next year, so we need to do it sooner rather than later"

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I AM DYING?

I mean SERIOUSLY!!! WTF!!!! I refuse to live my life as if I am dying.  I live my life for each day and I consider myself blessed to be here and have the amazing life I have.  I will not look into my future and see nothing.  I will continue to look into my future and see my children graduate high school, then college, then get married, or whatever it is they want to do.  I see myself as a nurse again, helping people.  I see myself happily married and enjoying every second with my soul mate.  I see myself LIVING!!!!!
So....here is the deal....if this is not what YOU see me doing, then keep your mouth shut.  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to feel it.  I want no part of it.
I have been hurt by some close family members over this "cancer-thing".  I guess maybe I expect too much....like a phone call once a week or even a text "hey, how ya doing" kind of thing.  I must be expecting too much or they just don't give a shit.  One or the other, it's whatever.  I certainly don't expect people to be calling me and checking on me everyday, but I know if it were my close family member, I would be supportive and encouraging...but that is just me...
Anyhow, I can't control others.....I can't make sense of it all.  So I will just continue to live.....life to the FULLEST!!!!!
Might I suggest something to my fabulous readers....use me as an example, use me as an excuse.  An example of how life can take a turn in a matter of minutes....as an excuse to do all the things you dream of doing, an excuse to be all it is who you are.  Dig deep....find your spirit.....find out who you REALLY are, and be that person.  From now until eternity.  Don't waste another moment feeling sorry for yourself or making excuses for why you aren't who you want to be.  OWN YOURSELF.  BE THAT PERSON YOU SEE IN YOUR FUTURE, NOW!!!!!
Don't ever take another second for granted.  I can't tell you how much time I want to spend with my family.  There aren't enough hours in the day for me to spend with them.  I have been having crying spells in which I need time alone to work through.  Then I have a sense of guilt because I could have been using that time to spend with my girls or playing with Clayton.  Just last night Caitlyn asked if she could ride with me to pick up Brooke from a birthday party, I said no babe, I'll be right back.  I had planned that car ride to get Brooke for a "let it all out and crying spell".  Then I found myself crying because I didn't let Caitlyn go.  That was 20 more minutes I could have spent with her.  I am so confused.  I enjoy my "alone" time, the minimum amount I get....I use it to think, listen to music, plan my future and sometimes just cry.  I don't want my kids to see me vulnerable or weak.  I want them to know that I am a fighter and this is not going to get me down.  Maybe that is wrong, maybe they should see my emotions....I'm not sure, this is all so new to me.  We will work through it.  We always do.  What I do know is this:  I will do anything and everything to make it out of this and I will be a changed person.  I already am.
Thank you for the love, support, and faith.  I need them all so very much!
xoxoxoxo

Rach



xoxoxoxo
Rach