My tooth extravaganza

Long story.....but a few weeks ago I cracked my back molar....like in half. It stayed put, it was just cracked in half.  So me, the chick that I am who hates to go to the dentist decided to put it off until after my dad passed.  To be fair, I had so much going on that my tooth was last on the list and it really wasn't hurting (that bad).  So dad's service was a week ago, I made an appointment for Wednesday.  I am not even kidding, I woke up Wednesday morning and the damn thing was killing me.  So I thought YAY ME, I did something right...I didn't wait too late. Wrong Rachel, wrong wrong, so wrong.  I go into the dentist....he says "honey, I don't understand how you've been able to eat, sleep, or function.  This is one of the worst abscesses I have ever seen.  Wow. Now this just doesn't surprise me.  Because if I am going to fuck something up, its gotta be a grand slam.  Then my favorite dentist says I can't touch that tooth babe, I gotta send you to my friend, he's an oral surgeon.  I'm calling him right now.  Right now? Like right this second? He said YES, That tooth needs to come out.  I am surprised you aren't sick because of this.....Well, I actually have been sick but I put that off on my lupus....So long story short within an hour I was meeting an oral surgeon and he was having a debacle with my tooth...how are we gonna get this thing out.  The infection is so deep.
I'm like........whhhhhhhhhhhhat chu talking bout doc? Honey have you seen your jaw? IT's swollen..thats infection in there.
Well FML. Always something. Now Ima be toothless? Greeeeeeeeaaat! At this point my mouth was so sore, I didn't care.  It's a back molar anyway, so fuck it. No one can see it...I'll worry about that later. So the doc knocked me out and I felt nothing.  Until I woke up and the nummy shots wore off...it was a FML kinda feeling again.  And the Norco he gave me? That's some kind of joke. I am apparently immune to pain meds...cuz they just don't cut it.
So here I am 3 days later, my jaw is still swollen, puss is still oozing, and THE TOOTH THAT IS NO LONGER THERE IS STILL HURTING.  Well, I mean the place where the tooth was is still hurting....
So there you have it.  Please let these antibiotics to kick in.  I am trying to make light of the situation, but if you ever had tooth pain, you can feel me on this one. It Fucking SUX!!!
I was going to take a pic of me, but it is just way to scary at the moment...Ugly scary....hilarious scary...
I've basically been in my pj's for three days. I have changed my underwear, I am not that gross =) leopard print so at least I feel sexy.  Even though there is nothing sexy about me at the moment.


Peace Out....its time for me to crawl back in my bed and ice it up!

My opinion of my friend "kellbo0"

This will be the last I speak of my friend Kellie....I don't know all the details and I am not sure I want to know.  But what I do know is this: Kellie was a great friend to me.  She helped me through issues I had when I was a new nurse, she had some great advise with marital stuff I was going through, and she was always there for me if and when I needed her.
So her doing this was a shocker.  I am not sure why she did it, but it has hurt a lot of people, including myself.  I can say I have a lot of "friends" here on Twitter and to the non-tweeting world, that might sound ridiculous.  But to people in our Twitter circle, you know what I am talking about.  I have been given so many obstacles lately, and the love and support I have received through Twitter has been amazing and overwhelming.  I have always assumed my tweeps are who they say they are (most of the time).  Especially the ones I have spoken with over the phone, email, Facebook, and just chatting outside of Twitter.  I speak of these people and I can call many of them TRUE friends.  In fact, I met my very best friend/sister thru Twitter....
connected thru Twitter....met in real life a few months after talking on twitter and here we are, two years down the road this is us:  This tattoo represents how we connected and the beginning of a true friendship/sisterhood that will never end.

                    That's us. @tonyarae15 and @RachelPoPachel
I realized now, that not everyone says who they really are.  Just because I am a honest person, doesn't mean everyone is.  And you know what?  That's okay.  If you want to come to twitter and makeup a someone to be, that's perfectly okay...AS LONG AS YOU AREN'T PLAYING WITH OTHER PEOPLES EMOTIONS.  That, is NOT okay. Kellie obviously needs help.  Mental illness is a real disease. People suffer from  mental illness all around you.  It is more common that you know.  1 in 5 people are treated for mental illness each day.  Kellie obviously needs help.  I know she is a good person, she went out on a limb for me and cared (or so I thought) about me as a person.  I knew she was unstable.  I knew more than likely she wasn't currently a nurse at this time. (the hours she kept online kinda gave me that clue...you can't stay up for several days and nights and then go work for a cardiologist everyday) but it didn't bother me....she had so many good qualities and I overlooked a lot of what I thought might not be true. I just wish she was secure enough about herself to be herself.  Again I say, she needs help.  Kellie, YOU NEED HELP sweetheart!!! I don't know what happened with her and Spencer, but from what I do hear, it was awful....which proves my point even more.  That is not evilness....that is a classic case of someone being mentally ill.  She lived in a made-up world via the Internet and her reality was a dreamland. She is a brilliant woman and her passion for politics was at the top.  Her wit? the best! Her sense of humor? One of my favs.  I will miss the real "Kellbo0" because there is no one like her, she was the one and only Kellbo0.
Please don't mistake my opinion for making excuses for what she has done.  I am not.  It was wrong, wrong, and wrong.  BUT...she needs help, love, and guidance.  Those of which no one here on Twitter can really give her because in actuality, we really don't "know" her at all....
If she truly set out to find someone to viciously hurt and manipulate....that is not evilness...that is what you call someone who is mentally ill.


See: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_can_you_tell_if_someone_is_a_pathological_liar


I am not diagnosing Kellie by any means, just shedding light on one of the could be reasons for her doing what she did.  So we can make fun and be mad and talk about it forever or we can all hope and pray (if you pray) that she gets the help she needs to be healthy and happy.  That is what matters most.  Her health and happiness.  For her and for her daughters sake.
Spencer--If you are reading this, I am so sorry you were the brunt of Kellie's actions.  Words can't express my sadness for you and I am so sorry you had to go through that.  If you EVER need a friend to talk to, you know  my number, feel free to use it at anytime.  You are a wonderful guy and I know you will find your special soul mate.  I don't blame you if you require fingerprints first =) (joke people, I'm joking)  I am not making light of the situation, but Spencer has been through a lot of pain because of this....I just can't even imagine.


So that's it.  I am sure most of us will miss the REAL "Kellbo0"...whoever she was...I wish her well! Kellie, you know how to get in touch with me.  I can find you help, I promise it is out there!
And Spencer...You have all of our support, whenever, whatever you need. ((hugs))


XoXoXoXo


RachelPoPachel

The story of how my dad became my dad

What many people don't know is my dad is actually not my "birth father".  Why? I never mention it.  I had a sperm donor dad...you know the type...one of those who gladly donated my mom the sperm and when I was in the making decided he wanted nothing to do with me. So fuck him. His loss, my gain.  I say gain because if he had not have been such an asshole, I wouldn't have my Dad.  Who by the way was totally amazing.  So actually if that sperm donor should still be out there somewhere I really owe him a huge thank you.
My dad asked me to speak at his service....he asked me months ago.  I mean, when you have a cancer that is basically a death sentence, why not go ahead and plan your own service. He didn't sit down and put it in writing.  He would just mention things to us hear and there.  Dad was a simple man, so today was nothing fancy.  But it was just as it's called..a CELEBRATION!  My mom and I came up with the idea of spreading his many hats around the church.  Dad had quite the collection.  He left his collection everywhere he would go.  Not on purpose, but just forgetting it.  It was funny because when my parents would leave my house they would usually come back within minutes because Dad forgot his hat...So having his hats all over the church was a way to make it feel like he was with us.  And he also would have got a huge laugh out of the idea....

Anyway...back to what I was saying...when Dad asked me to speak at his service he said "Rach, I want you to make everyone smile.  You have a beautiful smile and if anyone can spread a smile around, it is you.  I laughed and said something like oh dad...you just say that because I'm your daughter...he said nope and asked me again if I would mind.  I said I would be honored.
So this is what I said:

Over two decades ago when I was in my “terrible twos…. I mean my terrible teens”, my mom came to pick me up from a Valentines party.  She was bringing her boyfriend and this would be the first time I met him.  Part of me was excited, the other part just not so sure.  While at the party a couple of my friends came to me and said Rachel, your mom and grandpa are here to pick you up.  I thought my mom and grandpa?  That’s odd….I thought my gramps was working and I was supposed to meet moms boyfriend.  So I go out to the car and there was mom and (put your teen goggles on here and work with me to recall my vision back then) her OLD BALD HEADED CHUBBY boyfriend!!!! I thought noooooooooooooo!!!!! This can’t be happening!!! This isn’t the Sylvester Stallone type I had envisioned for my mom!

So up went the wall.  No matter how hard dad tried, I kept it up real high.  It took many years to slowly bring that wall down and Dad waited patiently. We had our ups and downs in the beginning, few ups and lots of downs…. lol

Years passed and that entire wall eventually came down.  I will forever remember Dads prayers at the dinner table.  He thanked God for our many blessings, for our family, and then that is where he usually lost me.  My brother Josh and I would squeeze each other’s hands and hold our laughter in.  It was tradition. Dad would pray and use words and sentences we couldn’t make sense of (his intellect was off the charts) so we just giggled.  Then mom would ALWAYS tell us “you both should be ashamed, Dads prayers are sincere”.  And that they were, we were just too immature to get them and well, I think we just laughed because we always had.  Dad knew we were being silly, sometimes we would see him look up and give us a grin.  He knew us.  He knew we meant know harm or disrespect.  Ya see, he was awesome like that.  Never judging anyone, his mind was always working, and he had a WONDERFUL sense of humor. 

As a child, Dad might not have been the vision of the father I had imagined, but as I grew into adult hood my vision changed.  He was the match made in Heaven for my mom.  If there ever was a “perfect couple” they were it.  Mom has a short temper…Dads was a long as the Mississippi.  Mom has zero patience; Dad had enough for the both of them.  In fact, before Dad left us, I asked him to please leave some of the patience and sanity back here with Mom.  He grinned and gently nodded.

Before I go, I want to share something with all of you.  When Dad was first diagnosed, I nearly lost all faith in God.  Our family has had its share of tragedies and I just didn’t understand why, why, WHY our family continued to be tested.  On one of our trips for his radiation therapy we had a discussion and I told him something like “I give up…what is the use of praying?  What is the use of believing?  God doesn’t seem to let us have any slack…Then Dad helped me understand.  He said this: Rachel, you have the wrong idea about faith.  Faith is not believing what you want to believe will happen.  Faith is believing that what happens is exactly what the LORD has planned.  It is not always what we want to happen, but having Faith is trusting in GOD that he has made this plan for a reason. As simple as that might have sounded, it was all I needed to hear.  Although I don’t understand why Dad had to leave us so soon, I do understand that it’s not for ME to understand.


Thank you Daddy!

6 to 7 months? REALLY??? SERIOUSLY??

Just got a call from the autism center at Texas Children's hospital.  TEXAS CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL....ya know....that FAMOUS hospital that is supposed to be filled with good stuff....yeh...uh huh...
They said the wait time to treat my son is 6 to 7 months.  I am sorry? You must mean 6-7 weeks, right? No mam, 6-7 months.  FOR FUCKS SAKE PEOPLE, my BABY can't wait that long....what am i supposed to do in the mean time? Just let him go untreated? Fuck that! How in the world are you going to tell me that it is going to take more than half a year for him to get treatment.  How am I supposed to help him without even knowing WHAT KIND OF AUTISM HE HAS!!! And in 6-7 months, do you know how much this can get worse? A WHOLE, FUCKING, LOT!!!!
A bit ridiculous much? I think so.  Fuck you Texas Children's, if you don't want to help me, I will find someone WHO WILL. 

Away from the thorns

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever be normal again....hell, its been so long I wonder what normal is.  Looking through old pictures (the kind you hold in your hand, not on a hard drive) to find pix of Dad I came across lots of old memories.  Mostly of my girls....birthday parties, Halloween, Christmas.  They were many years back.  I think the most recent was 8 or so years ago.  In all of the pictures of me, my weight was never the same...Up 15 pounds, down 20...up 10 down 5, repeat, repeat, repeat.  That's been the story of my life. I've learned to live with it. Fuggit.  There was one thing that was consistent. My smile.  I seemed so happy.  Really, truly a happy person.  Where did that happiness go?  Why can't I get to that place again?  So many tragedies since then.  So many people have crossed my path.  Have left me with good memories and some I would rather not ever think of again.  Illnesses, death, and new life have changed my soul.  I know I am a different person than I was 8-10 years ago, TOTALLY different.  But why can't I find that happiness again?  Why can't I reach inside of me and stopp feeling so lost and alone all the time.  I am not alone, I have so many people who love me and who are right by my side.  Yet, I still feel alone. Sad. It makes no sense.  Why can't I let go of the bad and move forward?  Why can't I forgive myself for mistakes, I am always so hard on myself.  It's not healthy, I recognize that.  So I recognize it, but yet still have no clue on how to fix it.  So much anger inside of me, so much regret.  But so many things to be proud of and smile about.  Don't get me wrong....I smile all the time.  But there is something different about my smile now than it was way back 10 years ago.  My goal is to find that smile, to let go of the bad, to move forward with the good, and to put the past behind me.  To be healthy again.  To find the blue, move past the grey, and forget the red. I can do this.  I must do this.  I have 3 beautiful children who I need to do this for.  They are my life.  And the smile I hide behind now isn't fair to them.  I need to grow away from the thorns and into the roses.... Find me again...and live.

Right in my FACE

My grandmother always told me that God will never give you more than you can handle. If I keep telling myself this, will I eventually believe it? 
My dad has been gone 4 days and 2 hours. Today we planned his service and I was somehow nominated to write the Eulogy. I wish I had the confidence in myself that other people had in me.  
My brain is frying as I type. So much going on in there, I don't know where to start. 
Let's see....My precious baby boy who is 2 1/2 started saying words around a year old. He was right on track.  Then he slowed down, then he stopped. Just stopped talking. Here lately he is talking again, but no where near the level he should be for his age.  He doesn't like to interact with other children. He has an obsession with doors. They HAVE to be closed. The same goes with cabinets. If I am changing his diaper and he sees that I have left the door open, he jumps up, closes the door, then comes back to get his diaper changed.  We had always joked saying my toddler has OCD...made light of it and thought it was no big deal. He has recently started screaming for no reason. A blood-hurdling kind of scream. He hits. He kicks. He throws fits that are not provoked by anything. He lines things up. Example: His matchbox cars, instead of playing with them he just lines them up in a perfectly straight line and re-lines them over and over again.  With his Tonka trucks, he lays on the floor and stares at the wheels.  You can forget going to the store with him.  Here come the fits.  He screams like he is in pain.  Just can't be anywhere near crowded, unfamiliar places.  When I take him to the playground he wants nothing to do with the other children there.  He is perfectly content playing with himself.  He doesn't really go on the equipment, but he LOVES to swing.  He runs around the playground and then he will swing.  Then run some more, then swing some more.  I have tried everything to get him to play with the other kids, he could care less. he walks on his tip-toes and flaps his hands or grabs at his ears.  This is a tale-tale sign...that was a red flag for me, but I told myself it wasn't... 
About a month ago he discovered his poop. So now he plays with it.  At first it was gross, but almost funny....it wasn't funny for long. He does this several times a day.  He will go in his room, pull it out of his diaper and then finger-paint his windows with it. When I say this boy can poop, THIS BOY CAN POOP!!!! We tried everything. Put onesies back on him, put big boy underwear on under the onesies. Put pajama pants on over the big boy pants, that are under the onesie. He still manages to retrieve his "paint" and he becomes Picasso, poop style. We have put a child-lock on the outside of his door so he can't go in there (he only paints poop in his room) so this has helped a lot...but the first chance he gets when we forget to close the door...he's at it again.  I'm not kidding...this kid can poop on demand. Did I mention it IS A FRIGGIN LOT?
Okay...I am getting off topic. My precious baby boy is more than likely autistic.  I spoke with two doctors offices today and they asked me a series of questions.  Both came to the decision that yes he has SEVERAL of the signs and should be evaluated quickly.
So, naturally...I am scared. Scared for my son because I don't want him to struggle. Scared of the unknown. I will love him regardless, love him with all my heart.  But this is "not supposed to happen to my kid". Yeah...I got that syndrome. I shouldn't, but I do. Not my kid, not my little boy. No, please tell me this is just a nightmare.
I know autism research has come a long way and I know it's not the end of the world. I know this. I don't want to hear it again. I. KNOW. THIS! But knowing this is not helping me at the moment. 
I blame myself. I blame me me me me.  Punish me, not my precious wild-man(that's his nickname)! Please God, don't let this be happening!
So naturally...I have spent so much time vigorously searching all over the Internet to empower myself with anything I can find to help me help him. I want to help my son, anyway and every way I possibly can. He is my little wildman and my miracle.


Here is a great website if you are seeing some signs...don't hesitate to ask your doctor. 
http://www.autismweb.com

Daddy is with the Angels now

My daddy is gone....he left around 5am on Thursday morning. We were all there, but sleeping. Ya see...Dad made one thing VERY clear...once he was gone, he didn't want anyone in the room staring, he didn't want a viewing, he wanted to be cremated as soon as possible. He said his body was just a shell and he would be set free once he had taken that last breath. So all day as we waited for him to take that last breath, he held on. We kept saying daddy let go, its okay. My cousin Theresa and I couldn't sleep...we spent the night cleaning my moms house, sitting outside chain smoking, (yes, i started again), and drinking wine coolers. Took some Xanax to calm down us down and nothing...my brother went to Denny's with his minister and finally came home around 3:30ish. So at 3:45am, I took dad's vitals one more time, gave him 0.5 morphine and 2 drops of atropine, kissed him, and said good night. My bro checked on him at 4:15 and he was still the same.
My mom had been sleeping on the floor below the hospital bed for two weeks, always holding dads hand. She said at 5:03, she felt his hand let go. She woke up, and he was gone. No breathing. Very peaceful. She woke us up and told us. I quickly ran in there and sure enough, Daddy was gone. I left shortly after, just as he wanted.
Just like that. It was over. Dad was gone. But it wasn't really just like that. He had been diagnosed almost a year ago. Glioblastoma...brain cancer...no cure...They expected him to live 3-6 months. Well..he said fuck those doctors and showed them. Ok, he really didn't said fuck those doctors...he didn't cuss. But that is what me and mom said. He fought to the very end.
Many of you have given me support since the very beginning. I can not tell you THANK YOU ENOUGH. I have cried, whined, cried, yelled, screamed,ect thru you all. and always, you have been here. I thank you so much for that. I have amazing friends and family. I will never forget it!! I love you all!! Rest in peace daddy, you were loved by everyone!

holy hell be the snorers

Me and Dad 2 weeks ago October 15th, 2010

It's 4ish. I am not asleep. I was perfectly asleep several times but do to the hellacious snoring of my beloved mother, I don't understand how the neighbors 10 miles down the road are sleeping. my word.
Dad update: He is hanging on. So strong. He won't let go. He is breathing 4 breaths per minute...he has the "death rattle". If you ever heard it you won't forget it. It basically sounds like he is drowning in his own lungs. I have given him atropine to help dry the secretions but the secretions have turned into a sea and I just don't think it's helping. He is on Oxy as well as morphine. Still in pain though. Tonight my mom leaned in to kiss him and he puckered up his lips a bit. It was so cute. So he is aware of us being around him and I am so glad for that. Because when he does go, we will all be here, surrounding him with our love. He is an amazing man and has some amazing friends..people he met at McDonald's getting his senior citizens coffee have stopped by as well as people he met throughout our town...just random people but he has touched their lives so much they have stopped by to pray, bring food, offer whatever they can do, etc. It's been a real eyeopener to how many lives my father has touched. The true lives he has touched and impacted on his journey here on earth has been heartwarming.
If my mom weren't in such pain I'd go pillow fight her right now and tell her to STOP WITH THE BEAR SOUNDS....but she is hurting too...the will make her a widow for the second time. And she lost one of her twin sons in 1999. She has had her share of tragedy but still remains strong. A little nutty...but we love her that way =) So do to the situation she will get off without a pillow fight tonight. But geeezz mom, how am i supposed to count dads breaths with you breathing like a bear with emphysema?!?!?
I have cried so much today, I just want peace. Peace and comfort. We have an angel here with us...my cousin Theresa...she has been such an angel. None of us would be able to do this without her. She has been my moms rock and my dads friend and lil helper. Oh and also...the cook, the maid, the gardener, the everything. Ya see, when Theresa gets nervous...she cleans. and when I say clean...SHE CLEANS IT ALL!! But seriously...she has helped mom so much and I will be forever grateful. She stays the night every night (can you imagine listening to a grizzly bear with emphysema snore EVERY NIGHT? that alone she needs an award) and she is just hear for whatever my mom needs. Those two are hoot together...quite the hysterical neurotic pair. This is why i LOVE THEM SO!! And Dad does too. He loves his Hazel (nickname for Theresa)....they have developed a special bond and it has been beautiful to see the two of them become such close friends.

Theresa AKA Hazel AKA Aunt Tickle and Dad Oct 15, 2010

I will always be forever grateful for our angel on earth, my cousin Theresa...We are so blessed to have her in our lives...Well...I think Ill put this pillow over my head instead of hitting my mother with it. Yes, that would be the nice thing to do. So g'night for now or should I say g'nap for me...I gotta be up 3 hours to go home and get the little wild man.
Please pray for my Dad....That he finds peace soon and doesn't have to go through this much longer. I love him so much!

BlogCherryHasBeenPopped

I was asked by my daughter to find some place other than Twitter to vent. So I created this...This is my first one and it'll be short. 
So for now. Pop. Pop goes my blog cherry.