Away from the thorns

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever be normal again....hell, its been so long I wonder what normal is.  Looking through old pictures (the kind you hold in your hand, not on a hard drive) to find pix of Dad I came across lots of old memories.  Mostly of my girls....birthday parties, Halloween, Christmas.  They were many years back.  I think the most recent was 8 or so years ago.  In all of the pictures of me, my weight was never the same...Up 15 pounds, down 20...up 10 down 5, repeat, repeat, repeat.  That's been the story of my life. I've learned to live with it. Fuggit.  There was one thing that was consistent. My smile.  I seemed so happy.  Really, truly a happy person.  Where did that happiness go?  Why can't I get to that place again?  So many tragedies since then.  So many people have crossed my path.  Have left me with good memories and some I would rather not ever think of again.  Illnesses, death, and new life have changed my soul.  I know I am a different person than I was 8-10 years ago, TOTALLY different.  But why can't I find that happiness again?  Why can't I reach inside of me and stopp feeling so lost and alone all the time.  I am not alone, I have so many people who love me and who are right by my side.  Yet, I still feel alone. Sad. It makes no sense.  Why can't I let go of the bad and move forward?  Why can't I forgive myself for mistakes, I am always so hard on myself.  It's not healthy, I recognize that.  So I recognize it, but yet still have no clue on how to fix it.  So much anger inside of me, so much regret.  But so many things to be proud of and smile about.  Don't get me wrong....I smile all the time.  But there is something different about my smile now than it was way back 10 years ago.  My goal is to find that smile, to let go of the bad, to move forward with the good, and to put the past behind me.  To be healthy again.  To find the blue, move past the grey, and forget the red. I can do this.  I must do this.  I have 3 beautiful children who I need to do this for.  They are my life.  And the smile I hide behind now isn't fair to them.  I need to grow away from the thorns and into the roses.... Find me again...and live.