Broken Heart

I've heard the saying before "he/she died from a broken heart". I always knew it could happen.  But to see it almost happen with my own eyes was....well, I don't have words for it.  My dad has been gone for 1 month and 15 days. In my opinion, mom still has yet to grieve.  She has been so strong, too strong.  Trying to hold the family together.  Trying to do too much. Still hasn't grasped the concept that her husband of almost 21 years is gone. It hasn't set in.  I can't imagine going home to an empty house that you shared with someone for that long.  Last summer (2009), she and dad were talking about getting ready to retire, buying a small cottage house around the lake and just enjoying their lives.  They both lived very modest. But they loved life. Loved to live.  Loved camping and spending time with each other.  She had told me that summer something along these lines:  Rachel, I am so in love with my husband, I am so happy with my life, but I have the biggest fear and a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.  I told her she was being silly and that the only thing that was going to happen would be they would be able to enjoy each other without having to work. And of course, that lake house would be a get away for us and to expect us up there every weekend.  She still said....no, I just think something bad is going to happen.  I told her she was crazy and shouldn't be so negative.
Three months later my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. 
I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or to say she's had it rough.  I promise I am not.  But I just don't get it. I don't get why it had to happen at all, but why now? Why couldn't they have got a little time to live their dream? My mom and dad had the best relationship ever.  RARELY argued, were so affectionate. Hell, they still held hands when they went everywhere.  Yes, they were that older couple who would hold hands walking into the grocery store or when they took walks together.  So cute, so sweet, so much in love.
This is why I think my mothers heart finally broke down.  She IS a strong woman.  They strongest I know. But sometimes, being strong is a bad thing.  You have to let it out, you have to cry...scream...and cry some more.  I realize I probably do enough those things for both of us, but that doesn't really count. 
Mom is going to be okay.  THANK GOD.  Do you know she wasn't even going to let me take her to the emergency room???  She said just let me lay down and I'll be fine.  FUCK THAT MOM. If you lay down, you might not ever get up.  She said "That would be fine too".  I said fine for you, but not fine for us.  Now get your ass off that couch or else I'll kick your ass off that couch and all the way to the emergency room if I have to.  FOR GODS SAKE mom, I am a nurse. Give me a little bit of credit, this is not good.  SOMETHING IS WRONG.  
So, she finally listened.  I told her Mom, Dad would be pissed. Right now, he would be saying "SABRINA, stop being so bull-headed and go". That got a chuckle from her and said you are so right, let me get my purse.
So off we went....(thank you dad, you helped me get her there).
I feel so numb....so...just here...nothing I can do but love her and I do a lot of that.  I can't lose her. Now that she is stable I am feeling some better.  But she SCARED THE SCARE outta me! Of course I tried not to show it, but I have been a basket case on the inside...(whats new, huh).
I know I always say I am going to do this or do that....but THIS is what I am going to do: My mom and I will get healthy this new year.  For us and for my kids and for our families....It is NOT an option.  I WILL be focusing on my family, our health, my mom, and my children.  I WILL help my son in any and every way possibly.  And...I will be happy.  I am so grateful for the wonderful things in my life and all the MANY blessings I have.  My friends and family have been so supportive, loving, just UNBELIEVABLY amazing to me...Tonya, Jenn, Autumn, Melissa, Erica, Rachel, my Twitter friends, ALL of my friends.  Just unbelievably supportive and caring.  I can't thank them enough.  My brother and I have became close again, and I thank God for that.  Despite his crazy political views, he is a great guy and I love him to pieces.  Because of him and my dad, I have found a new church that I feel so at home at.  It's non-denominational, just a plain Christian church.  I actually enjoy going to the service and am sorry I missed it today.  I walk in there and out of there feeling like a new person.  So refreshed.  I hadn't felt that way in a Catholic church in years.  This church has helped me in so many ways and I haven't even been going that long.  I look forward to getting involved and getting my relationship back with God. (no worries my progressive friends...I am still me after all, you can't take that BLUE blood outta me) I love you all, all of you.
So with this, I will end...but its not the end of me.  I am trying so hard to remain positive, and with all my heart I want to be a better me. The good thing is my latest blood work came back and for some odd reason, my lupus hasn't flared up.  A blessing from God and I can't help but think my daddy has something to do with it.  He and my brother and Gramps and Granny Fielder are watching over us, helping us through this.
Thank you all for reading my blog (rants, whines, gripes, bitching). Thanks so much for everything! I <3 you all!